My Personally Most Wanted Superpowers

This weekend, I developed a very unhealthy obsession with the bygone NBC drama Heroes. The DVDs of the show were recently on sale at Target, so I naturally bought three seasons based on the presumption that there would be some hot men in skintight superhero costumes. As it turns out, they wear normal-people clothes — but by the time I realized this fact, it was too late.

Remember when I expressed worry over becoming a sequestered and obese blogger-hermit? Well, it’s happening. Except instead of blogging, my addiction has become watching Heroes on DVD.

My inner dialogue:

  • How did miss this when it was originally on the air?
  • Why am I so attracted to Hayden Panettiere when (1) I’m gay, and (2) she was 17 at the time of filming?
  • I find the character of Hiro Nakamura to be really annoying; am I racist?
  • I wish this were an HBO series. There’s so much violence, I need some sex and vulgarity in order to feel balanced.
  • If I could pick one superpower, what would it be?

If you’re looking for something really unproductive yet fun to do for the next few hours — think about that last bullet point. Better yet, pick your top three superpowers. It’s been keeping me up at night.

I finally settled on the following:

1. Flying. This is obvious. Who doesn’t wish they could fly? Sometimes, I’ll go all Nelly Furtado in my kitchen and just burst out into the chorus of her 2000 hit, “I’m Like a Bird.” It’s fun until someone walks in.

2. Mind-reading. I don’t need this superpower as much as my next boyfriend does, but it would be neat.

3. Cellular regeneration aka not being able to die. An example: during my second weekend in Nashville, my awesome roommate and some friends took me on a trip to Bucksnort, TN (Google it) for some drinking, kayaking, and general “being in the presence of nature”-ness.

As we kayaked along the creek, we’d occasionally pass by local residents (fishing, bathing, etc.) and I’d get all nervous. I assumed everyone was armed and ready to take us out — me for being gay, of course, and the others perhaps for trespassing. I suspect most New Englanders would have had the same fear.

We pulled over at an obscure little area with a 30-foot cliff where everyone got excited to climb up and jump off. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s all my dad’s fault. He once told me about his friend who jumped off a cliff into surprisingly shallow waters, hit a big rock, and almost bled to death. Come to think of it, he has told me random horror stories about pretty much everything, and I now know the intention was to prevent me from living a life filled with any kind of adventure whatsoever.

When a friend pressured me to jump, the following exchange occurred:

  • Me (staring up at the top): “I can’t do it! I have to pee! I don’t want to get an ear infection! I’ve heard scary stories!”
  • Her (at the top): “Wuss.”
  • Me (facing the other way, now peeing): “Oh my god… Whose woods am I peeing in? Is someone gonna come out and shoot me?!”
  • Her: “For the last time, Nic, this isn’t Deliverance.” (Jumps.)

If only I had the superpower of cellular regeneration. I’d have been unafraid of gun-toting southerners, I’d have jumped off the cliff, and I’d probably have played a prank on my new friends — something involving an ugly death and then coming back to life in a creepy fashion.

  • Note: my only stipulation regarding this superpower is that I would want to stop being invincible once I’m in my 90’s so I could call it a day and die of natural causes in my sleep.

Honorable mention goes to invisibility, as that is the superpower voted most likely to result in me seeing Bradley Cooper naked.

As I proofread this post, I realize how sad it is that this is how I spent my weekend.

On a closing note — for anyone who was left curious after reading my last post — Friday morning went sparklingly well!  My co-writer was incredible, and we really vibed.  We spent four hours together and ended up with a great song that coincidentally happens to be about flying.

 

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