True Life: I Use Healthy Substitutions to Rationalize My Binge Eating

Actual conversation that recently occurred between myself and two dude friends at a bar:

  • Dude 1: What did you guys do yesterday?
  • Dude 2: Well, I texted Nic at seven and he was like, “Uhh. I just ate an entire large pizza all by myself. I’m in for the night.”
  • Nic: Yes, that’s what I did. And it was glorious.
  • Dude 2: Where’d you get it from, by the way? That place down the street with the best pizza ever?
  • Nic: No, I went to the one with mediocre pizza that’s a little farther away.
  • Dude 1: Why would you do that?
  • Nic: Because they have whole wheat crust.
  • Dude 2: …And yet you still ate an entire large pizza.
  • Nic: Hence the need for whole wheat crust.
  • Dude 1: That is ridiculous. That’s like me saying, “I’m going to order a greasy bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich, but it’s okay because I’m getting it on a whole wheat bagel.”
  • Nic: You just described my Dunkin’ Donuts food order.

Indeed, I have an immense talent for justifying epic food binges by making random healthy-sounding substitutions on a completely arbitrary basis. But I mean, it makes sense, right? If I’m going to give in to any of my myriad pregnant-lady-esque cravings anyways, I might as well try to sneak some essential nutrients into my system along the way to nourish the fetus mitigate the damage.

Lately I’ve found myself indulging my sweet tooth with these Kashi cookies:

IMG_20140301_093847They’re basically like crack – if crack was all natural, made with seven whole grains, and contained fourteen percent of one’s daily fiber intake per serving – which I’m almost positive it doesn’t. (Although I technically wouldn’t know for sure. So if you happen to be a crack dealer and I’m wrong, please forgive me. I apologize for giving your… crop? …such a bad reputation. By the way, while I have you here, can you explain to me what exactly crack is? I get so confused when it comes to street drugs. I’m from Connecticut.)

The box pictured above, by the way, is empty – and yes, that happened within the course of a single day.

STOP LOOKING AT ME THAT WAY.

Am I doing health wrong?

 

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