Three Things I’ve Learned from Being in a New Relationship

The last long-term relationship I was in ended in early 2010. Obama was still in his first term, Mariah Carey was yet to be impregnated with fraternal twins, and I had crabs a Blackberry. I was barely out of college and about to start grad school, which is to say that I was young and a total dumbass. So the fact that I’ve been in a new relationship for nearly four months now – as, like, an adult/non-dumbass – has led to a few interesting self-revelations.

Let us pray explore them!

1. I don’t care about social media as much as I thought I did. When my BF and I first met, he was a very, very private person. I mean, he still is, but he’s now out of the closet to his friends and close family members for the first time ever, which, considering the fact that he’s a macho Wall Street dude with three decades of “straightness” behind him, is kind of a huge deal. Needless to say, his weird privacy fetish was challenging for me at first, given that I am the quintessence of an over-sharing blogger with a set habit of documenting way too much shit on soche meed (sp?).

But I’ve learned this: the hippies/Luddites/old people are right! Going on adventures and falling in love with someone while being present in the moment truly is better than bragging about accomplishments on Facebook. WHO THE FUCK KNEW?

Also, a bonus. My boyfriend’s text inbox is the perfect place to send meaningless selfies when I think I look great but don’t want to saturate Instagram with my [#gorgeous] face for absolutely no reason. It’s also the best place to send unsolicited pictures of my various Chiptole orders.

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2. Turns out I’m actually okay with dick pics, as long as I’ve known the recipient for a minimum of three months and have been in a committed relationship with him for at least two of them. I used to be super anti-that dick pic life, but when I was drunk on Christmas day at my dad’s house last month, I randomly found myself thinking about my boyfriend while I peed in the bathroom. Huh, I thought as I looked down, I bet he’d love a pic of this right now. Snap!

(Of course I shook vigorously and stepped away from the toilet area entirely before taking the pic. What do you think I am, an animal?!)

(Although now that I think about it, I definitely didn’t wash my hands first. Sorry to those who’ve touched my phone within the past month! You’ve totally Six-Degrees-to-Kevin-Bacon-touched my…bacon.)

3. I’m no longer a crazy psycho! My past two serious relationships took place during a time when I was even younger and messier than I am now. Though they each lasted over a year, they were dysfunctional and combative (and pretty much fucked) from the one-month mark on. Which is ridiculous, when you think about it. Like, why stick around for eleven more months if after the first one you’re already screaming at each other and crying and having more hate-sex than normal-sex?

Because you’re a crazy psycho, that’s why.

But in this relationship so far, I’m self-aware. And so is he! In four months I have yet to analyze a text message for hours or scream “WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME?!” in a manic Beyoncé-voice at him or throw a dirty skillet at his face without warning. We communicate and express our feelings but mostly just laugh and act like little kids with mild behavioral problems. We’re a lot more like best friends and a lot less like two people who share a mutual, hate-generating belief that the other should have solved all our problems by now but haven’t. It’s great, and something I suspect can only happen with ample amounts of age and survival of past bullshit. And that’s the biggest revelation of all, right? That new relationships – when they’re good and right and full of promise – are not supposed to be hard, which sounds simple, I think, because it is.

 

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Comments

  1. 🙂 ! So happy for you. You totes deserve it. And I love the revelation about soche meed/the phrase “soche meed” in general.

    • Thank you love! And lol I put far too much thought into that spelling decision, so your support of “soche meed” is very much appreciated.

  2. I snorted at the “bacon” comment, and I had just finished sneezing, which meant it was a messy snort and yet somehow appropriate.
    Glad for you, Nic.

  3. Congrats!! I’m glad you’re in a happy chapter of life, and still hilarious.
    Also, insanely jealous of your access to Chipotle. It is nectar from the gods and I’m completely isolated from it in Europe. I’ve tweeted at them to open a store here to no avail. It’s Montreal 2.0.
    Eat a burrito for me, or something from Chipotle that sounds less creepy as the noun in that sentence 🙂

    • Bahaha I will certainly eat *anything* from Chipotle on your behalf, as an act of solidarity and support! Thank you for the comment m’love, hope 2015 is going great for you so far across the pond!

  4. It sounds simple, but it seldom is. What a joy to find such a connection. You make me happy.

    Ahhh crabs…..

  5. Soooo many hearts and hugs for you guys. ❤ ❤ ❤ I really enjoyed this and am so happy for you!

  6. Okay, so that’s why you’ve been so mum about him! Now I feel better about the whole thing cause I really was picturing a less-than-healthy-in-a-rabbit-stew-kinda-way relationship. Since you seem to be stable, except for the Mariah thing which I will never in a million years understand, I’m so very happy for you!
    And totes jealous 🙂

    • LOL @ “except for the Mariah thing which I will never in a million years understand”… you are not the first person to express this sentiment to me!

      Thank you for the comment, love! 🙂

  7. YAY FOR HAPPINESS!!! You totes deserve to be happy, Nic!!!! Love this!!

    Also, I think I wrote this blog post for you over the last two years in various conversations where I tried to educate you on such matters*.

    *do you like how I just took credit for this entire blog post?

  8. great

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