I’m an expressive dude, and sometimes there aren’t enough words in the dictionary to convey the full spectrum of my emotions, so I often like to use the names of random celebrities as exclamations. This isn’t really an original thing to do (Steve Carell screaming “AGH KELLY CLARKSON!” while getting his unruly chest waxed in the 40 Year Old Virgin immediately comes to mind), but when you think about it, do any “original things to do” even exist? No! Because it’s 2014 and the world is, like, old.
So this past weekend I went to a wedding and interacted with people.
When being reunited with a friend:
- Friend: Nic!
- Me: CHAKA KHAN. I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN A DOG’S AGE!* How are you?
*This is a phrase that people need to use more.
When smoking a cigar outside:
- Friend: Do we have a cutter?*
- Me: Ugh, Shonda Rhimes, I didn’t see one.
*Please note that I ended up using my teeth to cut the cigar. And then I didn’t brush them until ten o’clock the following morning, which — yes — indicates that I am a repulsive human being and also the (tooth!) decay of Western society.
When eating delicious homemade kettle-cooked potato chips at the hotel after party:
- Me: Shania Twain THESE CHIPS ARE GOOD
At the end of it all:
- Friend: Have you noticed that you only use S-H names?
- Me: Oh yeah… Huh.
- Me: Well, sometimes I like to say Condoleezza Rice.
- Me: It’s such a great name.
- Me: It’s the best name.
- Me: It has the contours and elegance of a full sentence, you know?
- Me: It’s a name, but it could be easily mistaken for a sentence.
- Me: Like Wanda needs her rice.
And then we all burst out laughing, but now that I’m writing it down I wonder if it’s actually not that funny at all and really the laughter was just on account of the fact that we were drunk at a wedding. Like, what’s amusing about a woman named Wanda needing rice? And isn’t “need” a bit strong of a word for something like rice in the first place? Nobody needs rice. Rice is not leafy greens or vodka or gay sex. Not only is my sentence not funny, it doesn’t even make sense.
Or, well — I guess it could make sense, but it would have to be a very specific scenario with context, like one in which Wanda was cooking Paella for a group of homeless teenagers or something. Or if she was some kind of FBI agent in a Hollywood thriller in which RICE was actually an acronym for “Rotating Isolation Chamber Extrapolator,” which sounds like a bunch of random FBI-ish words thrown together (because it is), but would actually be a fancy device of some sort, I guess? Or maybe — actually — you know what? Never mind. I’m getting far too carried away with all of this. Shakira.