11 Signs You’re Drunk and a Problem

1. You order a “Grey Goose and Vodka.” The bartender looks at you weird and is all, “You mean Grey Goose and Soda?” and you reply, “THAT’S WHAT I SAID, DICK!” followed immediately by, “Oh my God. I’m so sorry.”

2. In the wake of #1, an imaginary, miniature, and slightly translucent Full House-era Bob Saget starts hovering over your left shoulder and convinces you to leave a 100% tip, mostly out of white guilt (or something), to make up for the whole debacle.

3. Straight women: You start Katy Perry-ing and kissing each other.

4. Gay men: You also start Katy Perry-ing, kissing straight women and/or lesbians.

Well, I made it a solid two months.

Well. At least I made it two months.

5. Straight men: Ain’t nobody got time for Katy Perry, as you’re too busy Facebook status-ing impassioned rants RE: underrated athletes who are hated on by many but are in fact the BEST OF ALL TIME.

6. You spend five or more minutes meticulously fashioning a grammatically sound and typo-free text message to your [ex-boyfriend/hookup/person whom you generally wish would love you] that simply says, “Hey. How’s it going?”

7. You start answering all questions with “GENEVA CONVENTION!”

8. You’re not sure what the Geneva Convention is/was.

drunk

9. You craft what you think is the perfect Snapchat, but is in fact just a really, really dark picture of an unremarkable barstool. When sending, you speedily check off names with reckless abandon—including all the people you usually avoid Snapchatting out of fear that they’ll think you’re a loser. Which is very ironic.

10. You touch people in ALL the places.

11. You receive a response to the text sent in #6. It says, “I’m OK, you?” and you respond with, “WHdAT the FKCU Do YOU THINK, ASFKLHOLE???”

 

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Comments

  1. Love 7, 9, and 11. 🙂 P.S. I WANT TO BE SNAPCHAT FRIENDZ.

  2. It won’t let me like this but I do. I love it! I’m big on rereading and rereading to make sure I don’t look like an idiot with whatever I’m posting, emailing, texting. Unfortunately I cannot edit my brain and I’m a dead giveaway when I have a discussion the next day with my husband (sober 3 or 4 years) and um, yeah we did this last night. Oh, really? Well, I don’t recall that why don’t you tell me again.

    #1 is my fave because I had to read it a couple of times to see what the problem was.
    xo

    • Haha, I’m all to familiar with the next-day discussion situation. AND WTF is up with WordPress cock-blocking me from getting Likes?! The bastards. (JK WordPress, if you’re reading this, I #LoveYou, please make me #FreshlyPressed again THANKS!)

  3. I wish you would have come to Vegas with us for my birthday! Cause your list sounds like a perfect night!

    • I’m so glad you feel that way, haha! and oh my WORD can you imagine us IRL in Vegas??? It would be a blogging epic!

  4. Why do I sense none of these are hypotheticals?

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