This isn’t an actual post. I just found myself sitting around the other day thinking, “Huh. If some weirdo once accidentally found my blog by searching for ‘how I became a mermaid sex toy,’ I wonder what other incredibly bizarre shit is being Googled that I’m not coming up in results for.”
And then I realized that I’ve likely been missing out on a lot of action.
And so here’s a short list I’ve compiled to ensure that I appear in as many freakish query results as possible. (Because people need to be guided here somehow, and so really I’m just helping the Universe do its job.)
- Pounding headache after peeing on a cookbook
- Key chains that say “PROSTATE!” on them
- Is my vaginal discharge actually just weirdly-digested garlic mayo?
- Who invented butter
- Who invented buttermilk pancakes
- Who invented the term “Butterface”
- Am I a butterface?
- Ducks in speedos
- Condoms that make sex painful
- Penises shaped like avocados
- Avocados shaped like penises
- Avocados shaped like avocados but that taste like penises
- Cholula on babies
- What if Jesus was actually just a really calculated drug peddler with a vivid imagination, great leadership skills, and a dream?
- Gay people are all going to hell
- Cheese but not the kind you eat
- Martha Stewart told me she liked my boobs in prison but was she just being nice so I wouldn’t try to strangle her?
- Giraffes that go too far
- EVOLUTION IS A LIE
- Miley Cyrus has three nipples or actually four if you count the weird thing on the side of her left butt cheek
- How I became a mermaid sex toy (Just in case.)
Okay, so two things: One) Coming up with weird shit to Google is actually really, really hard, so I have to give it up to the people for whom it just comes naturally (like the mermaid sex toy guy); and Two) I’m pretty sure I just won at Search Engine Optimization.