And Here’s the Douchiest OkCupid Profile EVER

In case you missed it, I recently wrote about how I advertise the fact that I’m a fast pedestrian on OkCupid because it seems like the least douche-y option for my “I’m Really Good At” section. But then just for ha-ha’s I went on this whole tangent about what I’d put in that section if I were a total douche canoe, and it was kind of the best thing ever.

I mean, this:

Screen shot 2014-03-03 at 8.24.16 PMBecame this:Screen shot 2014-03-03 at 9.04.04 PM

I don’t know what this says about me as a person, but coming up with that second one was actually the most fun I’ve had in about a fortnight. And so with that in mind, I thought it’d be awesome and probably a little revelatory to sarcastically remake my entire profile in the voice of the Biggest Dick Ever* as part of an imaginary game show I just made up in my head called If I Were a Douche.


Shit. I just realized I got so carried away with all the O’s that I forgot the U in “Douche.” I’d fix it, but lately I’ve been trying to do this thing where I embrace my imperfections. (Thank you, ekgo.)

So here we go.

Me:Screen shot 2014-03-16 at 11.57.34 AMMe as the Biggest Dick Ever*:

Screen shot 2014-03-16 at 11.59.42 AM

Me: Screen shot 2014-03-16 at 12.00.54 PMMe as the Biggest Dick Ever*:

Screen shot 2014-03-16 at 12.03.08 PM

Shit. Did I just learn something new about myself?

Me:Screen shot 2014-03-16 at 12.03.44 PMMe as the Biggest Dick Ever*:

Screen shot 2014-03-16 at 12.04.00 PM

Me:Screen shot 2014-03-16 at 12.05.03 PMMe as the Biggest Dick Ever*:

Screen shot 2014-03-16 at 12.06.23 PM

Wow. I’m never starting a sentence with the word “also” in a dating profile ever again.

Me:Screen shot 2014-03-16 at 12.06.54 PMMe as the Biggest Dick Ever*:

Screen shot 2014-03-16 at 12.07.55 PM

Okay, Me as the Biggest Dick Ever* is getting kind of annoying – and also a little nonsensical. Chimneys? WTF?

Me:Screen shot 2014-03-16 at 12.08.47 PM

Me as the Biggest Dick Ever*:Screen shot 2014-03-16 at 12.09.02 PM

Me:Screen shot 2014-03-16 at 12.09.28 PMMe as the Biggest Dick Ever*:

Screen shot 2014-03-16 at 12.09.48 PM

Me:Screen shot 2014-03-16 at 12.11.01 PMMe as the Biggest Dick Ever*:

Screen shot 2014-03-16 at 12.13.49 PMListen, Me as the Biggest Dick Ever,* you can stop filling out this profile at any time. No one is forcing you to carry this task out to completion. Also, did you just ridicule my entire career as a blogger?

Me:Screen shot 2014-03-16 at 12.16.54 PMMe as the Biggest Dick Ever*:

Screen shot 2014-03-16 at 12.18.46 PM

OMG but seriously, remember the AOL-butt?

*I realize that, if taken out of context, the name “Biggest Dick Ever” takes on a whole other meaning. So I thought that I should asterisk it every single time it came up in this post. Just so you know that I know.



  1. “Fortnight.” Your profile should use “fortnight” more. A whole other class of respondents, I suspect.

  2. I’m dying – just dying over here!

    • Ha, THANK YOU! I’m so glad you can appreciate what I feel like is becoming more and more nonsensical humor the further into this regular blogging schedule I get, lol

  3. Oh, my gosh. I love “douche canoe”! LOL

    • LOL isn’t that term PERFECT? I can’t take credit, as I got it from The Bloggess, and I remember SHE once mentioned that she got it from some other guy, but I forget who he is. So basically there’s an anonymous genius on the loose who really deserves a medal of honor. Or something.

  4. You have too much time on your hands.


  5. Chimneys!

  6. I just actually laughed out loud. Which was so needed! Thanks for the douche canoe. And the AOL butt. Happy Friday!!

  7. HAHAHA! Thank you for literally making me fall off my chair at work from laughing so hard, none of which went unnoticed by my co-workers by the way.

    • YES!! Hahaha chair-falling-at-work = biggest compliment ever. Thank you! (And for what it’s worth, I fall out of my chair about every other hour. We could be the same person.)

      • I think we very well might be! Although I have to admit, I haven’t yet mastered the “fall-out-of-your-chair-but-casually-recover-so-that-no one-notices-you-fell-off-in-the-first-place” move. And seeing as I am as coordinated as a new born giraffe on roller skates, that may never, ever happen.

  8. Oooooh. NOW I understand why I’m getting hits from your blog.
    And you’re welcome. I think Doooche is way better for a show anyhow. Censors can’t touch it because the spelling looks cute.

    Seriously, though, put that out there because I am DYING to find out if the DoucheProfile gets hits…and how many…and by whom. This is so fascinating and fun for me! And I have so many giggles as I re-read it! It’s freakishly delightful!!
    Can I be a guest star on your If I Were A Doooooche show? I’m not sure how I’d fit in, but I volunteer. Also, I’m tempted to get a penis transplant just so I can date you based on your adorable non-douchey answers. Ok, on your douchey ones, too, because they make me laugh. Do you think that would alarm my husband? I’ll bet it probably would, huh? Oh, and also there’s the age gap and everyone would think I was your mom…with a penis…and this is getting awkward and bizarre. True, my comments usually wander into this territory but now we’re even deeper into the weeds than my comfort level allows.
    Ha! Whatever! Whom am I kidding here?

    I can’t wait to see the search terms this one nets. It’s going to be AWESOME! I hope someone searches for ASCII art and pulls up the butt.

    But seriously, thanks for the shout-out. It made me all blushy and “awwwww!”

    • I’m so tempted to put it out there. You know what? Maybe I will! The responses it gets can be a whole post series: “Messages received by the DoucheProfile.” I won’t even have to do any work, the posts will literally write themselves! This is genius. Also, I’d probably end up in a healthy relationship within a month, because douches get all the men.

      LMAO @ the penis-transplant-age-gap-mom stream of consciousness! Awkward and bizarre, yet totally apropos….? Only here.

      And you’re welcome! When I caught the mistake I was going to fix it and/or apologize, but then I was all, “Did you learn NOTHING from ekgo and the stripper-leg incident?!” So thank YOU.

      • Helping you to grow and embrace your mistakes, turn them around, and become kickassier is MY pleasure!

        YES! YES YES YES! Put up the profile! But make sure it can’t be linked back to your blog, like someone can’t google the search terms in the profile and find them here because then the jig is up. But how to make the terms unsearchable on this side? But still findable. You’re all young and aware of how computers work – figure that shit out and then GET ON IT!

        Hooray! This is going to be the best social experiment EVER! And by that, I mean, Yay! I get to laugh at people vicariously!

  9. Allie Campbell says:
  10. This is the best thing I’ve read in a very long time. I love your posts, they always make me laugh. Thanks for the biggest dick ever* (that’s not what she said, ever ha!)

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