The Only Thing Worse Than This Blog is the List of Google Search Terms That Bring People Here

If you’ve followed enough blogs in your day, you’re likely familiar with the common “here’s a list of random Google search terms that have led readers to my site” post.

Depending on my mood (and level of intoxication, maybe), I tend to either hate or love these pieces. But I usually get a kick out of them either way, because OMG — we live in a world where Internet users search for some sick, twisted shit.

Most Google search terms that lead folks to The N!colas Blog are either nipple-related (because this), getting-called-fat-related (because this), or OkCupid-related (because this, this, and this, probably). But aside from all of those, here are five of the most bizarre searches to have ever brought folks here — followed, of course, by my personal reactions. Please take a deep breath (and ideally, a shot of something) before reading, because shit’s about to get weird.

how i became a mermaid sex toy
First of all, what? Isn’t everything below the waist of a mermaid just closed off and fish-like? Do fish have vaginas? Did Ariel masturbate? If so, how many times per day? And was Flounder involved? What about Sebastian? And I’m sorry, but if you have a fish and a lobster helping you out, can you really still call it masturbating at that point? Let’s be honest, if mermaids have vaginas, then Ariel was a sea-slut. It would certainly help explain Ursula’s jealousy, as it didn’t seem like she ever got laid — not even by those weird goblin-fish things that were floating around during “Poor Unfortunate Souls.” She probably gave Ariel legs purely so there’d be less competition under the sea. Or, actually, wait — am I misinterpreting the term “mermaid sex toy” altogether? Did you mean a sex toy for a mermaid, or a sex toy made to resemble a mermaid? The second one? Wow. Now I just feel stupid for jumping to conclusions and slut-shaming a Disney princess.

why do i get emotional meltdowns when drunk
Is it that you’re getting them? Or that you’re having them? Because if it’s the former, then IDK dude. If it’s the latter, then, well, it’s because you’re drunk.

someone has a firm grip on my balls
You’re going to need to be more specific. Do you know this person? Is he or she a stranger? Are we talking over-the-pants, or like, hand-to-scrotum? (LOL scrotum.) Do you feel violated? Show me on the doll.

what does the funeral home do with the blood
You nosy, self-absorbed bastard. Someone just DIED, and here comes you trying to find out what became of their blood! Have some decorum. Wait. Are you a vampire? Are you Bill from True Blood? Can we date?

i accidentally fucked a dude…and im a guy
Are you being honest with yourself? Because I just… like… how was it an accident? Or, actually, you know what? Never mind. I forgot about that one time I accidentally ate an entire cheesecake and accidentally watched five hours’ worth of gay porn while accidentally pressing “pause” every twenty minutes to accidentally check Lady GaGa’s Twitter feed. Also, that one time I accidentally created a blog with the kind of content that somehow managed to come up as a Google search result for “i accidentally fucked a dude.” I’ll just assume this was a similar situation.


For the record, this is what I’m assuming I would look like as a sea-slut mermaid sex toy. A squinty, awkward, and slightly hairy mermaid sex toy, maybe, but a mermaid sex toy nonetheless. (And yes, you may print this out and frame it. I knew you’d ask.)



  1. What DOES the funeral home do with the blood? It’s a valid concern.

    Also a valid concern: How/why those search terms led that person (vampire?) to your blog.

    • WELL, as you know I’m a historian/expert on all of my past writings, so I can actually pinpoint exactly which posts ended up in which search results. The vampire one was most likely because of that time I had my blood drawn twice and then served as a pallbearer at a funeral and made the entire event all about me. Because of course.

  2. Hahahaha! Oh, this made me laugh. A lot!

  3. Brandon Haskey says:

    I have also been fascinated by the search terms that get people to my blog! “Sriracha sweater” has been my favorite so far.

    • It’s truly a phenomenon…. like, I don’t understand humans

      • Brandon Haskey says:

        Oh, this is a fun one that brought someone to my blog: “royal thickness daaaaaaamn”

        I assume they mean me. My sexy thickness is worthy of royalty. And a good, solid, “Daaaaaaamn!”

  4. lmbo! Now those are some great search terms! Funny enough ( or not) I wasn’t really surprised by any of them!🙂

  5. lmao <—–my 2 cents. You'd make a lovely mermaid sex toy.

  6. Awwww! Look at that stuff! Isn’t it neat? I think I’d say you’re collection’s complete.
    Also, the “goblin-fish things” were named Flotsam and Jetsam. They’re moray eels, I believe. They’re some kind of eel, at any rate. Way to try to convince us you don’t have all of “The Little Mermaid” memorized. And just FYI? Up until “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves” came out, “The Little Mermaid” held my Most Times Viewed In Theater record. Just so you know what you’re dealing with, here.

    I accidentally fuck a guy kind of often. I know how that searcher feels. I mean, I just roll over and there’s a penis and then OH NOES! I’ve fallen on it and…it just happens. Accidentally.

    Thank you for pre-approving my printing and framing of your seaside portrait. I’m putting that picture with the rest of my Ariel collection.

    Up until about two weeks ago, I would have just read this post and laughed and thought, “Oh, I will never have any search terms that are that weird. I get some puzzling ones, but…nothing like that” but then I got this: tits and pussy whipped till they bleed, fucked till raw, made pregnant
    I…what? I mean, just…what? How did that lead to me? I run a PG-13 site! I am afraid of pregnancy, not to mention having any soft bits whipped until they bleed and then turned raw by fuckery. I know where the search terms led, I just don’t know why that post came up…unless it was pulled on “bleed” and “pregnant” because both those terms were in the post in question but if that’s the case, this particular searcher would have had to have scrolled for about a thousand pages to find my post.

    The internet is often a very alarming place. But also, there are mermaid sex toys so that, at least, bring joy.

    • And by “I think I’d say you’re collection’s complete” I really mean “YOUR”

      • HAHAHA. I can literally be like, in a dungeon tortured by a Buffalo Bill/lotion-in-the-basket situation and ready to just give up and die, but then if I look at my phone and read a comment like this from you, suddenly life is worth living again because HILARIOUS.

        This: “..but if that’s the case, this particular searcher would have had to have scrolled for about a thousand pages to find my post.” I often think the same thing… like, how many pages til these people stop???

        Also, way to call me out on trying to downplay my memorization of TLM! It’s true, between that and Google, I could have easily identified the goblin-fish things. Although, goblin-fish has a better ring to it than moray eel, so I might stand by my decision.


  1. […] the other day thinking, “Huh. If some weirdo once accidentally found my blog by searching for ‘how I became a mermaid sex toy,’ I wonder what other incredibly bizarre shit is being Googled that I’m not coming up in […]

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