I’m a Fast Pedestrian with Angry Thoughts, but at the End of the Day I’m Spiritual So It’s All Good

One of the things I advertise on my OkCupid profile is the fact that I can walk really fast through crowded urban streets.

Screen shot 2014-03-03 at 8.24.16 PMIt’s not that I’ve ever been particularly proud of this ability – frankly, there are many other, more important things that I can do well – but “walking briskly in New York City” was really the only answer I could think of for that question that didn’t make me sound like a pretentious douche bag who looks in the mirror on an hourly basis and probably has a pet name for his penis. Because that’s nobody’s type.

(Although now that I think about it, I have been involved with or know more than a few of those kinds of dudes. And they never seem to run into any problems getting laid. So maybe I’m wrong and that’s actually everybody’s type?)

(Holy shit. I think I just figured out why I’m single.)

(Hold on…)

Screen shot 2014-03-03 at 9.04.04 PMOkay, I’m ready for all the men to want me now.

(Side note: While the above answer is of course a joke, I did have to change my real-life profile to that for about twenty seconds in order to secure the screen shot. And it was the most anxious, frightening, and uncomfortable – and yet oddly invigorating? – twenty seconds of my life.)

Moving on.

Wait, where was I going with all of this anyways?

Oh, slow people. So I started writing this post from my seat on the commuter train, because basically I had to zigzag my way through an army of molasses-paced pod people at Grand Central Station to get there, and it was so fucking annoying because everyone loves to walk in every which direction while being all “I’m slow and I wear mittens” while I’m just internally like, “ARGH! GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY AND LET THE TALL GUY THROUGH SO HE CAN GO HOME AND DRINK WINE AND GOOGLE LYRICS TO NINETIES POP BALLADS AND FANTASIZE ABOUT BEING FRIENDS WITH OPRAH AND VENT ABOUT HOW SLOW YOU ARE ON HIS BLOG.”

But then I started writing, and then that whole OkCupid introduction turned into a way more involved tangent than I had originally intended it to be, and so by the time I was ready to get into how enraging slow people are, the frustration had worn off and my desire to angrily rant was (mostly) diminished. And then I reminded myself that having to deal with dawdling pedestrians is small. fucking. potatoes compared to the real issues in the world (potato famines, for instance), and we are all cut from the same divine thread of oneness and so really I need to be spreading love and light to everyone — even people with shorter legs than me.

Wow. I’m pretty sure this entire post just turned into like, a deep lesson in perspective, love, forgiveness, and the Golden Rule, all at the same time. You’re welcome for the wisdom.

Now move.



  1. You just encapsulated ALL of my feelings about the city in this post. I hate everyone there. Also, that is not small potatoes. Small potatoes are small potatoes. NYC is a cesspool of stupid tourists and tall beautiful people who never move out of your way. Basically, everyone in NYC is a small potato and basically we’re wading through millions of potatoes every day on those streets and we can’t seem to get through them…

  2. oh my goodness, I was impressed with your skills until I read the side note that you did have to actually change the profile and then I laughed so hard that I snorted!!

    • I didn’t even think of ways to make that without changing the actual profile… but now that you mention it, I REALLY should have! haha

  3. If you were a proper sociologist, you would make another OKCupid account and put up your long-winded All-About-Me “I’m really good at” answer just to see what happens.
    Then you would report your findings here. Your blog would double as your white paper. Because, honestly, I want to see if being an ass gets more attention. I know being a bitch does, so…

    Also, when you have your own online store, please make a bumper sticker that says, “I’m slow and I wear mittens” because that struck me as hilarious and probably it should be on a lot of cars for…reasons that don’t really make sense but who cares? Logic is for the boring.

    As a speedwalker, you are lucky to be tall and ponytail-free. I was a speedwalker amongst crowds for many years of my life. It drove friends and family crazy and I cannot tell you how many times I was yanked backward by my ponytail because I was getting too far ahead of my group. Now I mosey at the pace of those around me, dying inside with every step. But only in crowds. If I’m outside in the real, non-peopley part of the world, then I walk slowly and appreciate my surroundings while my friends all jog along, trying to get to the end of the trail. I am literally a walking dichotomy.

    • OMG the fact that you too find “I’m slow and I wear mittens” to be hilarious for no reason in particular is EXACTLY why I cherish your comments so much! You just get it. Lol.

      And thank you for making come into a new found sense of gratitude for the fact that I don’t have to deal with a ponytail to hold me back in my speedwalking endeavors! It’s the little things.

      • Gah! “I’m slow and I wear mittens” is STILL funny when I read it in the comment section!
        Why is it so funny?

        You are welcome for the perspective. Never grow a ponytail and become short. You’ll wind up with whiplash…though, I suppose, that might be a thing for some guys so it could work to your benefit, at least on your OK Cupid profile?
        We’ll probably never know, though.

  4. Yeeeesss to all of it. You are lovely and you inspire me.

  5. The real question is how many responses did you get in the 20 seconds of your changed profile?

  6. It’s Lent, so you are offering up your suffering at the legs of slow people.


  1. […] case you missed it, I recently wrote about how I advertise the fact that I’m a fast pedestrian on OkCupid because it seems like the least […]

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