How to Make ANYTHING Healthy (Yes, this Post Contains All the Secrets)

(Alternate Title: True Life: I Use Healthy Substitutions to Rationalize My Binge Eating – Part Two)

Every Friday at my company is “Wing Day!”

It’s kind of like Casual Friday, except instead of wearing non-professional attire, employees come to work dressed up as winged creatures – bees, pterodactyls, slutty angels – anything, really, so long as it can fly.

(Side note: Can we talk about how I just managed to spell “pterodactyl” right on my very first try? I swear. This kind of thing never happens, and frankly, I think it means I’m brilliant.)

Okay, so actually, I’m lying. (About the dressing-up-as-creatures thing; the getting-pterodactyl-right-on-the-first-try thing is completely true, and I’m standing by my brilliance.)

Wing Day is, in reality, just an excuse for everyone in the company to pig out on Buffalo wings for lunch, as they are the Friday special in the cafeteria.

And so here’s a conversation that occurred in the lunch line between my coworker JaJa (this pseudonym was her choice, by the way, and that tells you pretty much everything you need to know about how much of a delight she is) and myself the last time I indulged in this obesity-fueling ritual:

  • Nic: I can’t believe I’m doing this. I have a date tonight. A date. I’m now forever going to be The Guy Who Ate Wings for Lunch On the Day of a Date.
  • JaJa: Oh, stop. It’s fine.
  • Nic: Hold on! [Dramatically sprints to the salad bar. Returns ten seconds later, panting.]
  • JaJa: What did you just do?
  • Nic: I had to grab some fresh baby spinach.
  • JaJa: OMG.
  • Nic: Yes. I am having my chicken wings on a bed of spinach.

In related news, I sometimes add broccoli to my macaroni and cheese:

IMG_20140302_134134

I also like to add about a third of a packet of additional shredded cheddar, but that’s neither here nor there.

Did I mention that the macaroni is made with fifty percent whole grain? I mean, this meal is basically a power smoothie. That is, if power smoothies were all carb-y and cheese-laden, which, aren’t they?

STOP LOOKING AT ME THAT WAY.

Am I doing power smoothies wrong?

P.S. In case you missed Part One of this series, because apparently my reprehensible eating habits are steadfastly becoming an epic trilogy similar to The Godfather and/or Star Wars (and/or the nineties horror gem The Leprechaun… that was a trilogy, right?) you can find it here.

P.P.S. The folks over at Kashi have actually read Part One, and they told me to eat their cookies “in moderation.”

Screen shot 2014-03-05 at 10.18.57 PM

FOOLS.

Initially I was super offended by this tweet, but then that wink-face changed the game. So I’m willing to brush it off. Also, does the wink mean that they’re asking me out on a date? Because… yes. Kashi, I’ll date you. I mean, I’m already in a borderline-sexual relationship with your cookies (PUN!) anyway, so everything about this scenario just feels right. And yet so wrong.

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Comments

  1. Kashi is watching us. Ooo, that should have been your workmates pseudonym! Also: did you ever notice that the whole-grain versions of foods tend to contain more salt and sugar? They are the exclamation mark of foods; you just can’t win.
    – your damp cloth friend, Ross

  2. You’re doing health wrong.

    That being said, I think if you were to write a diet book using your logic, it would be HUGE. It’d be like Atkins. Sure, people might die from malnourishment and over-cheesesaturation, but it would pale in comparison to your book sales and the monstrous endorsement deal you would undoubtedly get from Oprah. I see an OWN health show called “Cheesin’ with Nic!” and very heavy pre-Oscars interview with Barbara Walters about how you helped stars like Seth Rogan and Gabourey Sidibe slim down before the “big show.”

    Nobody would care about you doing health wrong. They would just care that you got them down a half-size using nothing but extra buffalo wings on top of spinach and copious amounts of cheese on top of broccoli that lost the will to live sometime around the cheesesaturation.

    • “CHEESIN’ WITH NIC!” Holy shit. I’m in love with this. I need a studio and an executive producer, like, ASAP.

      Also, LMAO at your choices of celebrity guests.

  3. WING DAY?! HIRE ME!!!

    • Ha! Wing Day is awesome, ALTHOUGH it basically guarantees that my weekend is fucked, as far as dieting is concerned. Then again, who diets? Obviously not me.

  4. I warned you about the Kashi, even they admit what can happen if you Over Kashi.
    I love a good cheese smoothie, some call it fondue. But I don’t see why you can’t just pour it in a water bottle and take your cheese to go.
    And um, what date?!?!

    • OMG. A water bottle filled with fondue would just…. I might be dead after 23-ish hours. AND! The date. It went well… wow, you just reminded me that I never blog about dating anymore. I might need to address this next week!

  5. I had to go look up your twitter feed as soon as the whole pterodactyl thing happened, and kudos beeteedubs! Dude, you like spammed every celebrity you could…

    Then I came back and saw that it worked and Kashi responded…

    Whatever else you said was totally lost on me as I hung my head in shame for the celebrity spam judgement!

    • Ha! I tried. Frankly, I have a new found respect for regular celeb-spammers.. IDK how they do it. That shit is hard work!!!

  6. Buffalo wild wings just opened up in wethersfield. They call themselves b-dubs. And I eat wings before dates all the time. Just not.. ON DATES. But maybe I’ll try that too. LONG HAIR DON’T CARE!!

  7. But in the end, when you’re on your deathbed, do you think you’ll say, “I really regret eating all those wings and enjoying food”? Because I know I’d be more likely to regret all the time I wasted worrying about eating too much/the wrong foods/tons of delicious melty cheese instead of just eating them happily.
    Of course, if you die from choking on a chicken bone, you might actually regret the wings.

    I kind of want to institute a Wings Day at my place of employment, only not the food kind. I want the other kind you mention so we can all dress up as winged creatures. And because I work at a library, we could totally get away with it. Hell, we could even get our patrons to join in.
    I will put this on my List Of Things To Discuss for our next all staff meeting.

    • Haha YES! Please make the good kind of Wing Day happen! I’d try for it at my job but I’m pretty sure at this point I’m like,one zany/weird pitch away from getting fired.

  8. You totally had me at pterodactyl. And then you had to ruin it and say that you don’t dress up. Darn. Btw, have you TRIED a macaroni and broccoli smoothie? Totally delish.

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