My Gym Playlist Indicates That I Might Be Into Hardcore, Kinky Sex (Which, Am I?)

The other morning I was working out intensely at the gym while listening to Beyoncé’s limousine-blowjob song “Partition” at full-blast on my headphones and envisioning myself as the male lead in my own mental remix music video.

This fact is funny in and of itself, because I’m a lanky white guy from Connecticut with a generally awkward demeanor and a wardrobe from Kohl’s comprised mostly of unassuming sweaters.

gymmemeOther songs that really get my juices flowing (pun totally intended) at the gym include the vulgar whips-and-chains anthem, “S&M” by Rihanna; the strip club hymn, “Pour It Up” by Rihanna; that song about penises called “Rude Boy” by Rihanna; aaand… “Bridge Over Troubled Water” by Simon and Garfunkel.

(Just kidding about that last one. What I really meant to say was “My Neck, My Back” by Khia.)

(Side note: If you’re unfamiliar with “My Neck, My Back,” then I highly suggest you look it up on YouTube right now. Actually, just click this link. Especially if you’re at work. In fact, take your headphones off and let it play aloud. It’s totally not NSFW… it’s SFW, if that’s a thing. Crank up the volume, too – the song’s uplifting lyrical content will motivate you and your coworkers to be your best selves, and then you’ll all be really productive, and then your company’s stock will go up, like, a lot of points, and then your boss will notice that this positive chain reaction all originated from your desk, and then you’ll get a raise. And you won’t even have to give me a cut, because I’m selfless. You’re welcome.)

(Side note again: I’m sorry if I just got you fired. I SWEAR I DIDN’T MEAN TO. I was just being a practical joker. And it’s not my fault your boss is such a douche canoe.)

(Side note again: I know this was like, two paragraphs ago and the moment has passed, but can we talk about how I referred to “Pour It Up” as a strip club hymn up there? What the fuck was I thinking with that choice of words? And am I going to hell?)

Anyway, I’m just writing this post because I think it’s interesting how it took me ten years of being a gym-goer to finally become aware of the fact that I’m essentially a classic example of a “lady in the street but a freak in the bedroom.”

Except replace “lady” with “wholesome gay man.” And also I guess by “bedroom” what I really mean is the in-my-head-while-I-have-motivational-daydreams-at-the-gym-of-myself-and-Nick-Jonas-dry-humping-on-the-elegant-chaise-lounge-that-I’m-sure-he-has-in-the-corner-of-his-real-life-bedroom-bedroom. In the actual bedroom, if I’m being totally honest, I’m more likely to watch the OWN Network, read a book, maybe do a Bioré pore strip if I’m feeling frisky, and go to sleep by eleven. But still.

Okay, I think I’ve revealed enough about myself and my inner demons for one post.

Now, what do YOUR favorite workout songs say about you? Feel free to get vulgar in the comments.

 

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Comments

  1. CORRECTION: OLD lady in the street, but a freak between the sheets.

    AND I think it’s brilliant that you pointed out the connection between “My Neck, My Back” and “Bridge Over Troubled Water.” There is such a parallel there. I feel like this needs to be explored more. You may have just opened a swirling vortex of mindblowingness that I can’t even begin to think about.

    Also…you managed to miss “Swine”…which isn’t about sex, but it does make one feel dirty and unclean and in need of a gym makeover. Which, I guess, isn’t the point of this post at all. Unless you equate sex with masochism, which….

    • See! I can’t even get ganster rap lyrics right. (That phrase came from a gangster rap song, right?)

      Also, thank you for the full circle moment RE: “Swine.” And ISN’T the parallel between “Bridge Under Troubled Water” and “My Neck My Back” uncanny?!?

      I WILL LAY ME DOWN. LICK MY BACK.

      Basically the same song.

  2. I like that you’ve started adding your PS’s to the middle of your posts.

  3. i’m still scarred from clicking the link… it may be hours before I can form a coherent sentence again…

  4. This is tooooo funny! I’ve always known that if someone could hear what I’m listening to in the car by myself, they would have a completely different idea of who I am! lol I guess we all want to be Beyonce in our heads! 😀

  5. I like running to almost anything by System of a Down. Most of their songs that I listen to are angry instead of outright vulgar, though. I mean, I’m kind of an angry person who gets furious when she has a case of hiccups or if the washing machine won’t start. But… wait, where was I going with this?

    • Fun fact: when I tried to type “most” up there, I accidentally spelled it “moist” at first. Freudian slip FTW, y’all.

      • Oh my goodness, I am SO glad you shared about the “moist” slip! Just made me LOL. ALSO, I must agree with you on the angry music – though I typically go for angsty 90s chick songs like Alanis’ “You Oughta Know.”

  6. How did you know about my boss?

  7. You are a ridiculous individual. Which is a compliment.

  8. So this serves to illustrate how very elderly I am: while I generally know who Khia is (thank you, Spotify), I thought perhaps “My Neck, My Back” was one of those harsh reality songs in which she’s complaining, via music, the next morning about how much her back hurts from twerking in 7 inch stilettos and how all the hair tossing moves she had goin’ on at the club made her neck sore so she’s just going to spend the day lying on the couch, maybe with a heating pad. But because you kindly provided a link to the song – which I did not listen to at work thus still retain a job – I now know such is not the case. But, meh, give her another 15 years and she’ll put out a remix that sounds a whole lot more like my version. Mark my words)

    I can’t share my workout music with you, though, because I don’t exercise. I believe it’s a sin. Exercise, I mean. Also, I am old and married so really, there’s no reason for me to stay fit. Not doing so will just allow me die earlier so that I don’t have to wash the sheets again. Right?

    But you did invite your commenters to be vulgar and, thus far, none of yours are going beyond polite innuendo, so let me open the door:
    I kinda want to sit down with Khia and say, “So. Honey. Lana del Rey, her pussy tastes like Pepsi Cola. What are you bringing to the table? I’m guessing that, right now, your back tastes like sunscreen and your pussy tastes like sweat and while you’ve got that hardass sexy bitch thing goin’ on, Little Lana has the underage (even though she’s not) molest-me vibe thing, sort of Lolita-esque. Who is going to get the most licking, do you suppose?”
    And then she’d have her big, beefy toenail-painting bodyguards punch me in the face, which is pretty heartless considering I’m just a little, old lady with an aching back and neck.

    • O.M.G. I couldn’t breathe throughout most of this comment – amazing! And possibly better than my post itself. My favorite line: “What are you bringing to the table?” You make such a valid point, though. Khia is somewhat lacking in the whole class arena, which probably shouldn’t motivate me at the gym as much as it does. I’m going to look into some Lana Del Ray remixes.

      Interestingly, my version of “My Neck, My Back” is more of the aching variety this morning myself, as I’ve worked out the past four days in a row and so today I can barely move. Which you totally called, and it didn’t even take me fifteen years.

      Lastly, THANK YOU for opening the door! Ha!

  9. After reading this post – I am convinced you are one of the kind, rare. You are just awesome. A TV series about you would be a global hit man! Respect.

    • This comment means everything! I’m printing it out and saving it for my insecure, “stop trying to be a writer Nic, you suck” days.Haha. But seriously, thank you so much!!

  10. Allie Campbell says:

    My current workout music (if by working out you mean ‘dancing’ in my car) is Panic! At the Disco. I know…I’m so 2006. But Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die is a great album. Vegas Lights and This is Gospel are my two faves.

    • That is so funny you bring them up! I was just thinking about them and how their song titles were always, like, pamphlet-length. Love it!

  11. We have almost the same choice of songs. S&M and Rude Boy by Rihanna, Lick My Neck, My Back by Khia (this is the ultimate one!), For Real by Amel Larrieux and So What by Ciara are the ones on my list. :p

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