True Life: I Use Healthy Substitutions to Rationalize My Binge Eating

Actual conversation that recently occurred between myself and two dude friends at a bar:

  • Dude 1: What did you guys do yesterday?
  • Dude 2: Well, I texted Nic at seven and he was like, “Uhh. I just ate an entire large pizza all by myself. I’m in for the night.”
  • Nic: Yes, that’s what I did. And it was glorious.
  • Dude 2: Where’d you get it from, by the way? That place down the street with the best pizza ever?
  • Nic: No, I went to the one with mediocre pizza that’s a little farther away.
  • Dude 1: Why would you do that?
  • Nic: Because they have whole wheat crust.
  • Dude 2: …And yet you still ate an entire large pizza.
  • Nic: Hence the need for whole wheat crust.
  • Dude 1: That is ridiculous. That’s like me saying, “I’m going to order a greasy bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich, but it’s okay because I’m getting it on a whole wheat bagel.”
  • Nic: You just described my Dunkin’ Donuts food order.

Indeed, I have an immense talent for justifying epic food binges by making random healthy-sounding substitutions on a completely arbitrary basis. But I mean, it makes sense, right? If I’m going to give in to any of my myriad pregnant-lady-esque cravings anyways, I might as well try to sneak some essential nutrients into my system along the way to nourish the fetus mitigate the damage.

Lately I’ve found myself indulging my sweet tooth with these Kashi cookies:

IMG_20140301_093847They’re basically like crack – if crack was all natural, made with seven whole grains, and contained fourteen percent of one’s daily fiber intake per serving – which I’m almost positive it doesn’t. (Although I technically wouldn’t know for sure. So if you happen to be a crack dealer and I’m wrong, please forgive me. I apologize for giving your… crop? …such a bad reputation. By the way, while I have you here, can you explain to me what exactly crack is? I get so confused when it comes to street drugs. I’m from Connecticut.)

The box pictured above, by the way, is empty – and yes, that happened within the course of a single day.


Am I doing health wrong?



  1. I died laughing because I’ve heard that justification from my 15 year old son! “You ate all of that today?” “But mom, it was healthy, it had a whole wheat crust!”

  2. Eating badly is one of the perks of being young. You should do it joyfully and without guilt. Absolutely learn more about healthy eating. You can study up on it while you eat Kashi cookies. Gradually become more responsible with your eating. Eventually you can work your way down to one or two cookies per day, but why rush it? Statistically speaking, you have until you are about 35, but your mileage may vary.

    I cannot emphasize enough how much you should revel in the pleasure of being able to eat an entire pizza in one sitting. These days will not last forever. One day you will notice your stomach aching because it is too full, and you will have to decide what to do about that, but until that day arrives, you can continue to amaze yourself with feats of outrageous eating. Become sensible in very small doses.
    Crack cocaine is what happens when you mix powdered cocaine with baking soda and then cook it (with water) into a rock. You can then smoke the rock.

    • “Become sensible in very small doses” may be my new mantra. Thanks for stopping by!

      And also, thank you so much for the crack explanation, haha. THIS is why the internet exists!

  3. This is exactly right. Also, if you follow anything you eat ANYTHING with Diet Coke, there are no calories. Um, let’s be careful with the Kashi products. Years ago my children rebelled against Kashi Crunch because I would eat it every day and get the Kashi Farts. Easy does it.

    Good to know about crack. I definitely have baking soda at home so all I need is some coke and I can make my own!

    • LMAO. I seem to have an unusually high tolerance to copious amounts of fiber – IDK what’s wrong with me!

      Also – isn’t that crack recipe a gem??? I feel so empowered with this knowledge.

  4. You need to learn about health, my friend.


    But REALLY, who am I to judge. I eat all the bagels. And Pizza. And flourless chocolate cake. Actually, you eat the flourless chocolate cake. BUT…flourless chocolate cake is flour-less. So, by your logic, it’s more healthy.


    OMG I’m so hungry now. This is what your writing does to me. Your writing is sinful. YOUR WRITING IS LITERALLY FLOURLESS CHOCOLATE CAKE.


  1. […] P.S. In case you missed Part One of this series, because apparently my reprehensible eating habits are steadfastly becoming an epic trilogy similar to The Godfather and/or Star Wars (and/or the nineties horror gem The Leprechaun… that was a trilogy, right?) you can find it here. […]

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