This is What Happens When I Best Man a Wedding

Yes, I just used “Best Man” as a verb in the title of this post. It’s a thing now, and you’re welcome.

So. After throwing an epic three-night, thirteen-man bachelor party at a rented house in Vermont last fall (the details of which I can’t get into for legal reasons), getting fitted for a tux while awkwardly asking the salesman, “So, what’s your perspiration policy?” (he just looked at me weird and said, “We clean them”), and sneaking my way into my now-sister’s bachelorette party in December by flashing everyone with my GC (Giant Co.. Gay Card) – my brother got married a few weeks ago. And! It was the best day.

Like, ever.

The fun started the night before at the rehearsal, where this conversation took place between two bridesmaids (whom I will refer to as Hilary and Amy) and myself:

  • Nic: Hey Hilary, wanna hear something hilarious? My aunt told my stepmom earlier that she thought I “had eyes for you.”
  • Hilary: Ha! Wait. Your aunt doesn’t know you’re gay?
  • Nic: I mean, it’s not like I hide it. I just don’t think she realizes that gay people exist in real, everyday life. Like, she’ll probably find out about me when we’re at my wedding.
  • Amy (joining the conversation): Oh hey, you have one too?!
  • Nic: What? No. I don’t. I’m not getting married. [Laughs uncomfortably.] I mean, I am getting married. I hope. Eventually. Just not any time soon. Gotta find the right guy first. All the ones I meet seem to fall short in one way or another, and I’m at the point where’s it’s like, I’m not in a rush to meet The One anymore, because where’s the fun in that? Plus I don’t wanna settle for less, y’know?
  • Amy (pointing to my left ear): I was talking about your cartilage piercing.

So that was awesome.

The ceremony the next day was also awesome, although there was a minor debacle when I went to deliver flowers to the bride in her dressing room and was cornered by the photographer, who asked to borrow the rings – allegedly for the purposes of taking artful pictures, but probably more so because she gets some kind of twisted joy out of making other people anxious – and then disappeared.

After five minutes passed, I started slightly freaking out at the realization that it was twenty minutes to showtime and my brother was waiting for me. So I bid adieu to the bridal party and luckily was able to find the photographer in a hallway, regain possession of the rings, and step outside to get back to the main church.

Except now it was raining and I didn’t have an umbrella, so I was like, “SHIT.” I went back inside and asked the photographer if there was an indoor route to the church that I didn’t know about and she was all, “I dunno.” So then I was like, “SHIT,” again, and just decided to run the few steps there.

And then, as I was approaching the entrance to the church, I slipped.

AND I PLUMMETED.

I was clearly touched by an angel, though, because I managed to make my hands hit the ground first. So it mostly just looked like I was doing a spontaneous and highly awkward military pushup (on a rainy church sidewalk, in a tuxedo) for a second. I also managed to quickly retrieve the rings (which, by the way, had also plummeted and were dangerously close to a sewer… I know. Can you IMAGINE?) and put them safely in my pocket.

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One would never know I had just almost ruined the entire wedding (and my ruggedly handsome face) with a single plunge.

And after that, everything went smoothly.

I pranced into the reception to En Vogue’s “Free Your Mind” while the Maid of Honor whipped me (literally), I rocked the Best Man speech (by “rocked,” I mean I got up in front of everyone and went on a long-winded verbal tangent about how my brother is a guy who exemplifies love and I am a guy who spent most of the nineties making Mariah Carey-themed scrapbooks), and I made sure everyone got really, really drunk – which, given our network of friends and family, didn’t actually require too much effort on my part, but still.

The whole thing was one of those once-in-a-lifetime experiences that make you stand back, look at your life, and say, “Holy shit. This is it. This is what matters.” It’s like, we can get so caught up in our daily routines – coffee, soul-sucking jobs, petty arguments, super important life-or-fucking-death (just kidding, I mean petty again) arguments, social media, Mariah Carey’s mental health (okay, maybe that’s just me?), the fucking weather, etc. – that it’s easy to start believing that the stuff that doesn’t matter, matters. But then something reminds you that it doesn’t.

Over time, I’ve found that meditation and books and — frankly — wine are good at helping me get to that place of transcending the bullshit. Celebration and love and family are even better.

And Best Man-ing is, of course, the best.

 

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Comments

  1. 1) YOU WOULD slip and fall and almost lose the wedding rings mere minutes before the ceremony. I wish this was caught on video somewhere so it could go viral and then be made into a super serious Lifetime TV movie about overcoming rainy days (metaphorical and literal)

    2) The fact that the best man speech, at least according to this post, was only 50% about you, says a lot about your personal growth in 2014.

    3) THIS is exactly the type of post I needed to read at a time where I can so easily forget what truly matters: not the job(s), the weather, etc etc., but friends and family and real moments of connection.

    • 1) I KNOW, right? 2) Thank you! Those were my thoughts exactly, and 3) You are so welcome! I myself got caught up in the bullshit for a second when I came into work earlier and said “Ooh! Today’s temp is so tolerable. Yay!” and then a coworker said “Don’t get used to it, it’s gonna be freezing again tomorrow” and I said “BITCH FUCK DASGKASDHGKHW UGH!” But then I breathed and now I’m fine again.

  2. Oh my God…thank you for brightening my day. I’m sitting at work, desperately wanting to punch someone and you’ve made me smile. (Well, you and a male colleague who just visited my desk this very minute and did a belly dance for me.) Random epicness on both counts!

  3. You should wear a tux every day — so dapper and dashing! Love how you turned the best man speech into a story of you and I’m sorry, but the weather is of the utmost importance! It’s freezing cold! It will be July before I fully defrost!!! It’s awful! Oh, and friends and family are awesome, blah, blah, blah. 🙂

    • Thank you so much, darling! *blushes* And you know what? You’re right about the weather. I NEED JULY ASAP!!!

      *breathes and reflects*

      • I caught a glimpse of my legs the other day… I thought I had turned into a ghost they were so white!! It’s awful!! I live in TX for a reason!!
        So, sorry, but until I warm up, I will be cranky about the weather! I don’t have enough clothes for this cold!

  4. Every now and then I think you should meet my brother, but then I think, “What would happen if you introduced one walking disaster to another running disaster?” Rings down the sewer is what would happen. So count your blessings. Oh wait, you already have. Sounds like a great time. This is awesome now-sister-in-law, right?

    • Ha! Yeah, I’ve met a few fellow walking disasters in my time, and the results are never stellar. And you are correct, it’s the same gal! My brother is a very smart man and put a ring on it.

  5. *WHO!*

  6. Everything about you makes me happy. Hahaha and you look HAHT in the tux! xoxox

  7. I love Best Man as a verb. It makes me want to be one just so I can use it. Somehow Matron of Honor as a verb doesn’t sound as good.

  8. The thing about you running through the rain and falling made me think of my wedding day. See, what had happened was…

    That morning, my bridesmaids and I got dressed in the art gallery where the reception would be. As I walked the two blocks to the chapel, someone said something about my adorable groom being within viewing distance of me in my dress before the ceremony. Naturally, I hitched up my beautiful, custom made wedding dress and ducked behind cars. For real.

    • Haha omg that image is priceless!!!

      • My mom brings it up EVERY time someone mentions my wedding. She still laughs her ass off about it. The photographer had a field day, too! I was freaking out, but I’m laughing and smiling in all the photos. It ridiculous but it made my wedding day that much more memorable. 🙂

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