With my writing pal Steven:
- Nic: Dude. I have listened to nothing else for weeks. I stayed home today because of the snow and ended up just sitting on my couch watching the videos in sequential order. Over and over again. For many hours.
- Steven: Has anyone ever told you that you have an obsessive personality?
- Nic: I just can’t stop. It’s like I’ve been sucked into a black hole.
- Nic: The black hole that is Beyoncé’s vagina.
- Nic: I’M TRAPPED IN BEYONCÉ’S VAGINA.
- Steven: You’re scaring me.
With my work-wife Mila:
- Mila: Try watching the videos while eating like a fat pig.
- Mila: You will feel so inadequate.
- Nic: I just don’t get how these videos can be so perfect.
- Nic: And there’s SO MUCH SEX.
- Mila: I know!
- Nic: And all of this sex is with a man she’s been with for years and is married to, so it’s super classy. Like, Beyoncé is singing about giving a raunchy limo blowjob and meanwhile I’M the one who is made to feel like a dirty, inferior slut for having multiple partners.
- Mila: I KNOW!
- Nic: Two more viewings of “Drunk In Love” and then I’ll shower.
- Nic: Okay, maybe three.
- Nic: SURF BORDT!
- Nic: Four.
- Nic: After the fifth one, I swear I’m going to get my shit together and do something productive with my life.
- Nic: Fuck it.
- Nic: Six.
- Nic: THANK YOU FOR CREATING THIS WOMAN IN YOUR IMAGE.
- God: You’re welcome.
- God: …Surf bordt.