I Ingested Windex and Lived to Blog About It

So, the other night I found myself in a familiar position: Windex-ing my bathroom mirror while getting ready for a date.

(Note: This was not because I planned on having the guy over to my place – we were, in fact, actually meeting in his town. I just enjoy having a streak-free shine on my bathroom mirror at all possible times. Plus, as any of my ex-roommates can attest, I have this problem where my bathroom mirror always gets inexplicably filthy for no reason.)

(Or maybe it’s less “for no reason” and more because I brush my teeth like a coked-out toddler, but whatever.)

(…are coked-out toddlers a thing? I really hope not.)

Anyway. As I waxed-on-waxed-off the reflective surface with a fresh Windex wipe, something (and I have no clue what, which clearly goes to show how important it was) startled me – causing me to abruptly jerk my hand toward myself. Then, in the midst of the hand-jerk, my finger got stuck on an innocent-looking-but-actually-very-dangerous corner of the mirror… AND IT WAS SLICED OPEN. (Or just slightly cut, but still.)

Frazzled, I instantly put the bleeding finger in my mouth for some nurturing self-licking…

…only to find that THE WINDEX WIPE WAS STILL IN MY HAND!

And so before I knew what I was doing, I licked it. I licked the Windex.

I licked. The fucking. Windex, y’all.

IMG_20131106_213653_669

Possibly the worst reenactment ever, because a) I had an ACTUAL wipe in my mouth, not just the package, and b) the look on my face was about ten times more terrified than it is here, but c) I’m posting this anyways because I look skinny and that’s really all that matters in the end.

After my life quickly flashed before my eyes (mostly a montage of Mariah Carey, football, cheesecake, and sandwiches… oh, and friends and family), I suddenly went into survival mode and started scrubbing my tongue and rinsing my mouth (with water, Listerine, and – inadvertently – tears) and spitting vigorously into my sink while internally repeating the Sanskrit mantra Om Namah Shivayah (“I honor the divinity that resides within me”… I know this thanks to years of earnest Hindu study Eat, Pray, Love) to myself until I finally felt like a human again.

Then I looked down at my cut finger and saw that it wasn’t even really bleeding, which led me to remember how a phlebotomist recently accused my blood of not flowing, and so then I proceeded to fall into an emotional spiral of panic about how I must be dead inside. (Or something.)

But then I closed my eyes and gave myself a few more meditation/affirmation/breathing minutes – my new this-time-in-English affirmation being, My body restores itself to its natural state of perfect health.

(It should be noted that I was going to go with something more like, My blood flows like a fucking river, but then I thought it might be too specific – because what if the lack of blood-flow was the result of a greater health issue? And so I figured that My body restores itself to its natural state of perfect health was a much better catch-all blanket affirmation, as opposed to the original, which would have probably just been the blood-flow affirmation version of a Band-Aid.)

And it totally worked! After a few minutes, I felt calmer and more relaxed, and I even started to bleed a little, which, in this case, was totally a win.

And so then I put an actual Band-Aid on my finger, and the whole thing ended up being a bit more anticlimactic than it would have been if I had never snapped myself out of my HOLY-SHIT-I’m-DYING spiral in the first place. Which, actually? Was a refreshing change of pace. I think maybe I’m going to try “not flipping out over small things” more often now.

Maybe.

(Although on second thought, is ingesting Windex really a “small thing”? OMG no, it’s huge. I totally underreacted.)

 

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Comments

  1. “I even started to bleed a little…” Yay!
    Tonight the roll of Nic will be played by Jerry Lewis.

  2. <i?And it totally worked! After a few minutes, I felt calmer and more relaxed, and I even started to bleed a little, which, in this case, was totally a win. = Usually, I hear this from women who are worried they got knocked-up accidentally. It’s sort of refreshing to hear it from a guy who cut himself while cleaning.

    By the by, you have seen “My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding,” yes? Because that should have reminded you that Windex is completely safe and perhaps even restorative (if you have faith)

  3. We are so soul mates – the other day I knocked my head pretty darn hard (my son’s first car accident) and the rest of the day I swore I had a concussion! Never mind that I didn’t have any symptoms – it felt like I expect a concussion to feel like, so ergo, I had one!

    • Oh no! I’m so glad you and your son are OK. And we are soul mates, you’d never believe how many times I’ve uttered the phrase “I think I have a concussion” or “I think I have a hematoma” or “I think I have a [whatever weird health issue I saw online recently]”!!!

  4. Ahahahahaha! I love that you have a disclaimer for the reason you were cleaning your bathroom in the first place. I hope that your date went well despite your traumatic experience.

  5. You are thin and handsome and so at peace with your zen self. I would have screamed and started spitting.

    Coked out toddler…HA!

    • I’m printing out that first sentence of your comment and posting it in front of my desk as the #UltimateVanityAffirmation. Thank you!!!

  6. Brandon Haskey says:

    I feel like I would have just guzzled gallons of water under the impression that it’d flush out the poison and I’d pee out the death juice. That’s science, right?

  7. OMG! You look so fit and slender in that pic! I’m glad, though, that it’s not the last one you’ll ever take. I LOVE your writing. Please don’t lick any more Windex because I need to keep laughing 🙂

  8. HILARIOUS! Your grasp on humor is so effortless and natural and your voice SCREAMS in everything that you write. I mean, you just made me read an entire post about Windex. And I LOLed numerous times. I laughed, I cried, I died a little insides (<– that rhyme was totes intentional, btw. #genius)

    (Soccer Boote: Do you like how I just made this comment all about me?)

    Anywho, I'm glad you're safe and still with us. You probably could've died (and by died, I mean had a mild tummy ache, but you know: it's all the same with us.)

    (There I go, making it ALL about me again #NoShame)

    • OMG the making it all about you is 100% acceptable purely on account of those first 2 sentences of #applause. LOVES YOU for the support. Also… and I’m just throwing this out there… I think this coming week of 11/11 is going to be HUGE for us!

  9. Wait….they have windex wipes????

  10. Lol Windex isnt toxic you can actually drink a small amount accidentally and follow up with some milk or water to prevent at worst a upset stomach …

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  1. […] it takes me five minutes just to Windex my bathroom mirror because I have to go over the same spots thirty times each on account of my crippling fear of […]

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