I’m Dating Again and Weird Things are Happening as a Result

Actual work conversation that occurred recently when I informed three of my colleagues (let’s call them Robert, Jenny, and Lola) that I had my first date in over six months lined up for later that evening:

  • Jenny: I have an idea! Let’s place bets on what Nic will say about this date tomorrow morning.
  • Robert: I’ll go first. I got five bucks that says he’s gonna be downtrodden and say that the guy was perfect except for one minor flaw that would mean nothing to a normal person but is in fact a complete deal-breaker in Nic-World.
  • Jenny: Good one – like, the guy won’t be an Oprah fan or something.
  • Lola: My guess is that he comes in bitching about the fact that his date checked out the waitress’s boobs and is therefore probably bisexual—yet another deal-breaker in Nic-World.
  • Jenny: Or he’ll come in and be like, “Ugh. I like him… But we have the same taste in movies, so that probably means we can only be friends.”
  • Me: Seriously, y’all? Not ONE of you is going to bet that my first date after a six-month spiritually-awakening sabbatical is going to go amazingly well and lead to a reciprocally fulfilling relationship based on trust, honesty, and mutual self-respect?
  • All three of them, in unison: No.

The next morning…

  • Me: Well, you guys. I just. It’s like… I don’t know. I didn’t like his energy.
  • Robert: I WIN!

I guess he kind of did win, but I’d like it noted that I was so not downtrodden about the situation. If anything, I was joyful and at peace — because even though this dude was normal, good-looking, and smart, he was also all “LOL that’s impossible” when I told him about my dream to eventually be a full-time author, and ain’t nobody got time for cynical dream-squashers who don’t believe in miracles.

In my date’s defense, though, I should share that there was a moment during dinner when I said, “I’d really love to be trapped in a room with your grandmother,” and I think he might have taken it the wrong way. What I meant was that, even though I’m not Jewish, I’ve always been fascinated with Yiddish terms – and so when he told me that his grandmother was a master in the dialect, I figured that being trapped in a room with her would be a golden opportunity. In retrospect, however, I realize it could have come off as predatory, inappropriate, and vaguely heterosexual — and why would he want to believe in my dreams at that point?

Moving on. In totally unrelated news, this happened on Monday:

Screen shot 2013-08-16 at 10.47.15 AMOh my God, you guys. It was huge and disgusting and it was also kind of doing the Crip Walk and I screamed and I cried and I no longer feel safe in my own work environment, BUT I’m still alive, so I guess that’s the silver lining in all of this. Like Beyoncé, Michelle, and Kelly circa 2001, I’m a Survivor.

 

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Comments

  1. RE: “He was also all “LOL that’s impossible” when I told him about my dream to eventually be a full-time author” …. OH HELL TO THE NO! I don’t care if his dick was made of strawberry fruit roll-ups, that’s a #dealbreaker if I ever saw one.

    Like I say all the time, the biggest, most important thing right now is that you have a support system; you need people around you who will encourage you to chase your dreams, especially when it comes to being a (hopefully-not-for-long starving) writer.

    Hilarious as usual, sir! Welcome back!

  2. And like Gloria Gaynor most importantly.

    You won an award from Writer’s Digest? How did I miss that?!

  3. I will EAT a cockroach if you don’t become a full-time author.

    • Loving you for this comment! The roach actually made me think of that one time you had to deal with them at school OMG remember? I can’t even with those demons. They’re so disgusting.

  4. Dream-squashers are a no go! Of course miracles happen – they happen to someone and that someone can (will!) be you!

    Hilarious grandmother comment. Good to have you back in the blogosphere, Nic!

  5. I’ve missed your dating posts!!

  6. Thank you, yet again, for filling 4 minutes of my Friday with joy when I should be at the beach but instead I’m stick in a windowless office.

    PS – You don’t need miracles to become a full-time paid author. Your talent will take you there.

  7. “…ain’t nobody got time for cynical dream-squashers” PREACH!!!

  8. Oh dear. You definitely shouldn’t make time for people to try to kill your dreams. The incident with the roach was hilarious though. Thanks for the giggle!

  9. Brandon Haskey says:

    I laughed during this entire entry. Oh goodness! And screw dream crushers, man. Why the hell can’t we be full time writers? We’re going to own this shit.

  10. I’m back at work after three weeks and furiously deleting emails, but I had to take a break to catch up on your romantic shenanigans. It’s a sickness and yet time well spent.

    • Hahahaha “sickness and yet time well spent” describes so much about my life. Three weeks! I’m jealous, that sounds like heaven.

  11. Dating = the weirdest game of life! I swear to God.

    That’s how my Exasperdating saga was born!

    Let me know what you think.

    http://monsieurtorres.wordpress.com/

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