The Dildos Are (Not) Coming!

So this one time at a holiday party in New York City, I had a melodramatic breakdown in front the entire room. We were playing this weird anonymous gift-exchanging game, and when it was my turn, I somehow ended up publicly unwrapping a package that featured a thong-wearing topless woman with a Kardashian-esque ass on the box. Realizing that it was clearly a sex toy, I turned bright red and panicked and threw the gift on the table in a really theatrical, over-the-top fashion – all while screaming, “I CAN’T DO THIS. I’M FROM CONNECTICUT!”

So a few days ago when marketing people for sex toy-selling juggernaut Adam & Eve asked me if they could sponsor a guest post on my blog, I thought one thing: What a great opportunity to “pull a Miley Cyrus” and shed my virginal good-girl image!

And then I thought about how it would be great to have some new energy up in here, especially since I’ve been regrettably absent due to the BOOK THAT IS TAKING OVER MY LIFE.

But then I thought about that episode of Sex and the City when Charlotte discovered vibrators and became addicted to the Rabbit – to the point where an intervention was required – and I asked myself, “Do I really want to contribute to someone else’s potential Rabbit addiction?”

I also asked myself,  “Wouldn’t letting a sex toy company write a ‘guest post’ for me essentially be like selling out? Selling out for a dildo?”

And that’s when I realized that as much as I believe in the healing power of dildos, I’m not quite sure Keychanges is the place for them to be unironically pimped out. And if it is the place for them to be unironically pimped out, they’d have to be pimped out in a straightforward, ad-on-the-side-of-the-page kind of way. Not a let-me-deceive-Google’s-search-mechanisms-by-letting-a-company-steal-my-voice-for-a-post kind of way. I’m basically the Little Mermaid in this scenario.

Not that I mean to call Adam & Eve Ursula, but I mean, if the shoe fits.

Ultimately, I guess what I’m trying to say with all of this is that (a) I have integrity, (b) I may or may not be a mermaid (or a “mergayd,” if you will), and (c) I just saved y’all from a potential dildo invasion.

Aren’t you loving me so much right now?

(Note: If you’re actually really into dildo invasions, then please don’t answer that question. And I apologize for ruining your day.)

 

Advertisements

Comments

  1. While I love that you used Miley Cyrus as a metaphor for this potential new image, my GURL Brit Brit is the quintessential “shed her virginal good-girl image” role model. Miley WISHES.

    Also, I’m loving the fact that you called yourself the little mergayd. I have such an image in my head. Something resembling that crazy – but cute in a strange, kinky way – dude who thought he was a mermaid from My Strange Obsession on TLC.

    And also, you should still ask for samples. #justsaying…

    • You make a great point RE: Brit, I can’t even deny. BUT OMG HAVE YOU HEARD #WeCantStop?

      Also, I’m loving that YOU’RE loving mergayd. The TLC guy was the ultimate mergayd. Mergayd needs to be thing, please help me make this happen!

      • I’m secretly obsessed with “We Can’t Stop.” And I hate myself for it.

        Also, I say we hold a Mergayd Convention. I’m thinking Coney Island would be perfect.

  2. I just- well, I have no words. I mean, good for you, but like, why would they wanna write on your blog? I mean, not that it isn’t a good blog… I’m realizing now, there’s no way this ends well for me, is there?

    • My thoughts exactly! Like, is it because I have an STD reference in my headline and they then just assumed this site is all about sex toys? I don’t even… IDK. Ha.

  3. I’m curious, too, as to how they contacted you and requested this – what brought you to their radar? What have you been doing that we don’t know about?!? Of course, had you decided to lose your integrity, you totally should have asked for samples and hosted a free giveaway! 🙂 Not that I have a rabbit addiction, no, not me!

    • Haha! It really is quite strange! I must look and write like someone who really loves a good Rabbit. Which, now that I think about it, I guess maybe I am?

  4. A sigh of relief. I was worried for a second I’d read a dildo blog post soon. *wipes forehead*

  5. How did Adam and Eve know to call you to post on your blog. They never ask me for anything. I don’t have a dildo so maybe I would want one and they could give me one for writing on my blog.

    I had a friend who did a mail order from them. Went home at lunch and got her mail and then didn’t leave the house for two hours.

    • HA! That is the biggest mystery of all — why they thought I’d be a good fit. I don’t think we’ll ever know. I think it’s like in Will and Grace when Grace was all, “You’re gay, you have the kinky built in”? Side note, I see what you’re saying above — had they offered to pay me in dildos rather than cash, then… never mind.

  6. I think you should charge Adam and Eve for this post about not letting them have a post on your blog. Because I’m pretty sure you just turned people on to their product AND gave them a great advertising slogan with “dildo invasions.”

  7. Good for you. Otherwise we’d have to refer to you as the Artist Formerly Known as Having Principals. (This sounded funnier in my head.)

    • Bahaha! This comment is more apropos than you know, as I was totally having a “When Doves Cry” moment earlier today at an Outback Steakhouse. (Note: by “having a ‘When Doves Cry’ moment, I mean to say that “When Doves Cry” was playing. I wasn’t in a courtyard with animals striking curious poses or anything.)

      • I was listening to “If I Was Your Girlfriend” earlier today and noticed at one point Prince sounds exactly like that obnoxious Fred character on YouTube.

  8. I think, “I’m from Connecticut!” was probably one of the best responses I’ve ever read, involving such a situation.

  9. Um, excuse me….where are you?

    • I know! My absence is getting to be obnoxious! I MISS YOU. I’ve been having literally 19-hour writing days working on my manuscript. I can’t wait to share with the world – you will LOVE this book!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: