I’ve Been Violated and Also Here are Some Life Updates

Um. Just when I thought the past few weeks couldn’t have been any heavier on the Internet dating absurdity, I got a text from my ex-boyfriend saying this:

  • “Hey Nic – hope your day is going well. Just wanted to give you the heads up, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think someone stole your identity again. This time on Plenty of Fish.”

And then I said:

  • “WHAT IS GOING ON SEND ME THE LINK IMMEDIATELY I CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHY EVERYONE DOES THIS TO ME…???!”

Here’s some background information:

Three years ago, when said boyfriend and I were still together, a friend of mine who lives in Chicago alerted me that he had come across a Facebook profile with some weird name that had a picture of me as the default.

I of course flipped out and reported the page to the site and overused the “Contact Us” feature and sent a strongly worded e-mail to Mark.Zuckerberg@facebook.com (because what if?) but then it bounced back because I guess he went to Harvard and realizes that would just be too obvious.

Luckily, my boyfriend was there to hold my hand throughout this ordeal until the profile was removed and the world made sense again.

So when last week rolled around and that same boyfriend informed me of the fact that I’ve been reverse-Catfished yet again, I experienced an epic moment of anger, déjà vu, and major ice cream consumption.

Like seriously, WTF?

I know I’m vaguely attractive in an approachable way especially if you’re drunk, but please, crazy Catfish people – if you’re going to play these ridiculous games, DO IT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON AND STEAL THE PHOTO OF AN AMATEUR MODEL.

I won’t continue on about this, because I’ve decided that I’m going to write a piece called “An Open Letter to the Guy Who Stole My Identity on Plenty of Fish” that will tell you everything you never wanted to know about this whole situation, and I’ve already said too much.

In other news, I realize that I haven’t blogged in like, weeks – so here’s what I’ve been up to:

  • Watching the OWN Network and becoming a generally positive, self-loving, self-fulfilled person. (Feel free to read this unlikely bullet point three or more times to really let it sink in.)
  • Writing dating advice columns about closeted dudes.
  • Still slaving over a hot stove my memoir on a daily basis.

I’ve also been tweeting about everything pope-related ever.

At first I didn’t really care:

#ThingsICareAboutMoreThanWhosTheNextPope

Then I was like, Okay, this smoke thing is weird, and also maybe the new pope should sashay out onto the balcony to a nineties pop hit:

Sashay

And then it was all over just a little too soon:

:(

 

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Comments

  1. magicpoetry says:

    Really glad you’re back! Missed you!

    Now that you become a familiar face in the blogosphere, I think the people who’ll want to be like you will pop up more frequently so BEWARE! I had my little time in the limelight myself some years ago which resulted in a girl growing all bitter toward me, put up a profile on me on the internet and announced I was seeking elderly guys with heart problems. The number of people commenting about my ugly looks was also (!) scarily intimidating. Luckily, I knew who was behind it so I calmly threatening to call the cops and she eventually got rid of it.

    Anyway. Sorry for this long story. And don’t get me started on the Pope… LOL!

    Don’t be a stranger!

    • Thank you! And first of all, that people are crazy and weird – elderly men with heart problems? Was she trying to make you out to be Anna Nicole Smith? Secondly, you’re beautiful, so there’s that. 🙂

  2. I’m all about the Nic tweets. (Inspiration: Later tonight I’m going to go home and say in a baby voice to my cats, “Hewwo, wittle puddy tats! Who wants some Nic tweets!” I’ll get back to you.)

  3. Brandon Haskey says:

    Horrified by your ordeal but delighted by your diction 🙂 And you are 100% correct about finding an amateur model to use as your picture because, by God, that’s what all good Americans do when you’re 18, way in the closet, and trying to get a guy to send you an inappropriate photo of himself.

  4. NATurally Inappropriate says:

    Bwahahaha.

  5. So, are you saying I’m not allowed to use your picture? Even if I Photoshop you next to another hunky guy?

  6. I’ve missed you! And it is not surprising that people Catfish you because you are much hotter than you give yourself credit for! xo

    • I did consider that! But then I went with that whole “attractive/approachable especially when drunk.” And I’ve missed you too!

  7. I’m looking forward to this “open-letter”.
    Boy x

  8. good to have you back…sorry for your identity crisis…hope your letter helps…await it too…
    take care,
    moodsnmoments

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