My New Distrust of Online Daters is Becoming a Problem

It seems that my recent experience as an online creeper compounded with the success of MTV’s hit show Catfish, along with a dream I recently had about the Craigslist Killer, has all resulted in my new generalized distrust of the entire online dating community at large.

It’s bad.

For example, I had a date with a very attractive, somewhat older man scheduled for Sunday night, but ended up using “he could be a psychopath with a peeing fetish who wants to maim me” as an excuse to cancel our plans so I could stay home and eat Chinese food while live-tweeting the Oscars. (It was so worth it, P.S.)

We rescheduled for Friday, so you can imagine my astonishment on Tuesday morning when he texted me to see if I was free for a weekday glass of wine after work. Caught off guard and still a little hypnotized by his hot profile picture, I agreed.

Then I got to work and started over-analyzing the whole situation in three separate conversations with my work-wives Jenny, Lola, and Mila. (If you haven’t been following me for too long, allow me to explain: I’m a polygamist in my professional life.)

Here’s a composite, abridged version of all three discussions:

  • Nic: Why did he suddenly change from Friday to Tuesday? Is this what murderers do?!
  • Jenny: I mean… I don’t know. His picture seems like it could maybe be photoshopped, and that makes me not trust him.
  • Nic: You’re right. I’M HIS PREY.
  • Lola: Where’s this guy from originally?
  • Nic: Canada.
  • Lola: DON’T DO IT!
  • Nic: If tonight ends in tragedy and later becomes a Lifetime move, please tell me you’ll see to it that they cast a skinny actor to play me. He doesn’t even have to be that famous – I think it could actually be an exciting role for a young up-and-comer — you know? Someone with raw talent. But if it comes down to making a choice between raw talent and physical fitness, please go with the in-shape one.
  • Mila: John Krasinski will of course play you. Who will play me?
  • Nic: Wow, you’re so right. And oh yeah, you! You are totally a part of the arch of this story, since I first told you about this guy last night at the Solange concert.
  • Mila:
  • Nic: Okay, so Solange will make an appearance in the film as herself. And you… Mila Kunis! Yes, she so beyond Lifetime, but she’ll be so drawn to this story that she won’t be able to say no.
Is that a Nic bobble head or a John Krasinski bobble head? Hard to tell. (Ignore the V8... I don't even have an explanation.)

Is that a Nic bobble head or a John Krasinski bobble head? Hard to tell. (Ignore the V8… I don’t even have an explanation.)

So. I proceeded to Google the crap out of the limited information I had on this guy (first name, hometown, current city) and found pretty much nothing — except for a profile from some creepy looking dude on Meetup.com that had all of the same characteristics as my guy but was NOT the man from the photos. This one was scary looking and had a profile blurb that said, “I’m dissatisfied enough with real life to occasionally escape to different dimensions.

Oh. My. God – I KNOW!

I became instantly convinced that this dude was actually the guy I was talking to — because, I mean, same name, same cities, AND essentially admitting that he enjoys “playing pretend” — it was too obvious. I quickly realized that I was the target of a murderous scheme but also decided that I was too curious about the whole thing to actually cancel yet another date with him. (Plus there were no epic award shows this time to incentivize me. I mean, I guess survival would be reason enough for most people, but I apparently need to reevaluate my priorities.)

So then I thought to myself, Maybe I should have a co-worker film me engaging in conversation with someone right now so that they could later send the video to Krasinski and he could use it as “character research,” but decided against it because I figured that I was too out of sorts in the moment to really portray my natural self on camera.

So instead I spent the rest of the day answering my date’s texts in a very wary, treading-carefully-because-I’m-talking-to-a-predator kind of way, and decided that when he showed up for the date, I’d do my best to feign shock that he isn’t the guy in his pictures and then dramatically barrel out of the bar to hail a cab and have it drive me forty miles into New York and back before taking me to my real home.

And then, a few hours later, the evening finally rolled around. And I went on the date, and – thank God – I did not have to do any of the above. Because he actually was who he said he was and we hit it off and I had a fantastic time, and he wasn’t the crazy one after all — I was.

Because, of course.

 

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Comments

  1. hahahahaha. Okay, love the inner dialog and drama you went through. Dude, so totally what goes on in my head. That was greatness!

  2. You’re so awesome. Love your blog!

  3. This made me laugh out loud, which made my husband ask, “What’d I do?” You think maybe I tease him too much? Anyway, this was a great blog post!

  4. How we love to over analysis situations. Glad it went well.

  5. Ahhhh i’ve written an entire novel in my head based on the online dealings i’ve had with dating predators…
    He is The Fisherman of Death (a nod to plenty of fish) he will murder his victims (ie, me) with various tackle and dispose of my body in his creamatorium, because he is of course a funeral director.
    I actually had numerous messages from a funeral director, who addressed me as Precious in EVERY email… totally fucking creepy… i still shiver thinking about it.
    http://reflectionsuponmyskin.blogspot.com/

  6. zachandclem says:

    Allow me to be forward, but I would see you played by James Ransone. Because his boyish sarcasm and cynical mockery seems to suit you. (This is a compliment)

  7. I play soundtrack music from “30 Rock” in my head every time I read one of your posts. ENHANCE!

    Funny, funny stuff.

    • Haha I think you just inspired me to start hearing the music in my head as I write. It seems like a very Ally-McBeal-inner-world-esque thing to do, and I’m drawn to that.

  8. You need your own reality show.

  9. Haha – love this. I’m glad to hear it ended up as a great date regardless of all the doubts and nutty self talk and over analyzation (I used to do this all the time, too!).
    I spent Sunday night live-tweeting the Oscars, as well. I agree with your “business” in the front comment. Oh, Anne! You did see that there are a couple of Twitters that have popped up 😉 as Anne Hathaways’ Nipples. #lol

    — Christine @ xtinedanielle.wordpress.com

    • Thank you! Yes it was a very surprisingly happy ending 🙂 and I thought I saw you in my timeline Sunday night! Event nights on Twitter are magical.

  10. Reblogged this on buzzybenny.

  11. Online dating. What’s not to love? You can share all the profiles with your friends and co-workers: the ridiculous pompous ones, the hideous ones, and the awesome hotties who are just too good to be true. We used to hang out in my office and giggle over online profiles all the time. Then I met my husband (online) and all the fun had to stop. I’ve more than once considered rejoining another dating service, not to cheat on my husband but because of the amazing fun that can be had. Sort of like your, er, fake profile…

  12. So, let me get this straight (pun intended). Does this mean I don’t get to go watch a movie with John Krasinski playing you? Because you got my hopes up – not about you suffering a horrible demise at the hands of an icky, weird, serial killer – just about John Krasinski up on the big screen again.

  13. And then I started thinking that “icky, weird, serial killer” is an improper use of punctuation – besides being redundant. John Krasinski just makes my head spin.

  14. I love it.
    I had a casual ‘date’ once. He showed up, looked a lot greasier and scarier than his, apparently, photoshopped pictures, and walked with a limp. (Which shouldn’t in theory matter, but he looked sinister.)
    It was possibly the only time in the vast amount of times I’ve met people, that I’ve considered faking a death in the family or making a beeline for my apartment. (Which would have been counter productive because then he’d know the apartment number.)
    I got home a live. Avoided him like the plague. Then one day I got lost in a huge city, and he was unfortunately the only person I knew who lived there. I called him twice in a state of panic and tears, and he called me a psycho because I “called too much”. It was a traumatizing experience.

  15. LOVE it. I’m married and all, but can so relate to the crazy. 😉

    • Thank you! And I’m so glad! I hope to be able to write that some comment one day, maybe with a link to this blog post for historical purposes.

  16. ha ha brilliant, I totally understand, but how do ‘we’ the regular readers know if you ain’t that predator, who has put Nic somewhere and written the post on his behalf…especially making out as if Nic was paranoid and that the actual predator was a cool dude…living his life….hhmm

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