I’m in Therapy AKA Writing a Memoir

So, I feel like I’ve been too absent from blogging and it’s making me all like, lugubrious (my favorite word).

I mean, it’s nothing like the Grad School Hiatus of Early 2012, but I’m definitely not blogging frequently. And the weird thing is that I’m writing more than I ever have. For instance, I wrote this Advocate article about how gay men are Mean Girls and we should maybe try to be nice to each other at bars. (I wish I were kidding, but this is actually a foreign and controversial concept.)

Also, I told myself that I’d finally finish my book this year – a resolution that you can so thank me for later after it comes out and you have the pleasure of reading 70,000 words about my relationship history and it makes you feel better about your life by providing you with the comfort of knowing that you’ve never passed out in your ex-boyfriend’s car and peed all over the backseat as a result of an argument that started over whether or not he was in love with your female best friend.

You’re welcome in advance.

Despite the fact that I’m busily writing, I do kind of feel like I’m failing as a parent. Like, I really hope that when I become an actual gay dad, I won’t just start forgetting to feed my kid for weeks at a time because I’m too busy writing a book. That would just be effed up. And it would totally give gay dads a bad name, since the story would probably make national news and then crazy anti-gay pastors and chicken restaurants would be all like, “YOU SEE THAT? Gay dads starve their children so they can write books!” And so basically what I’m saying is that I don’t want to set civil rights back ten years just because I decided to share my story with the world and inadvertently become the poster-child for child abuse, so I’m writing this blog post as a way of feeding my child. Because I believe that all children should be fed regularly — you hear that, Chick-fil-A?

…Where the hell was I going with this?

Oh, right! The book.

I’m about halfway done at this point, and revisiting my past in this way is proving to be way more therapeutic than any therapy that money could buy, I think. (I say “I think” because I still haven’t actually succumbed to the pressure and scheduled that inevitable first appointment.)

Seriously, it’s like I’m living my life all over again.

For example, I just finished a chapter about a much-older foreign man who was the Alexander Petrovsky to my Carrie Bradshaw back when I was twenty and therefore a dumbass, and – as I wrote about the experience while on the train en route to work – I legitimately cried in front of strangers.

So then I thought to myself, “WHOA. Do I still have unresolved feelings of anger, unworthiness, and shame from that whole situation?” and a part of me answered with, “Yeah dude,” but then another part of me was like, “Nah…” and then the rest of me was like, “LEAVE ME ALONE, I’M JUST TRYING TO WRITE A DAMN BOOK!”

Me at 20... When I had a 42-year-old boyfriend who recently made me train-cry as I wrote about him. Are you intrigued?

Me at 20… When I had a 42-year-old boyfriend who recently made me train-cry as I wrote about him four years later. Are you intrigued?

Stuff like this has been happening a lot.

Also? I haven’t been dating at all. Which is actually kind of awesome. (Okay, how shocked are you that I of all people just wrote that?) My abstinence has been allowing me to just like, focus on me and write and work and go to breweries and eat lots of carbs and it’s lovely.

So… I’m not sure what I’m trying to say with this post, other than I’m still here. Just less frequently for a while.

Oh and I’m also trying to say that if you’re a gay dad and you’re reading this – STOP RIGHT NOW AND GO FEED YOUR CHILDREN BEFORE WE LOSE THE FIGHT FOR EQUAL RIGHTS!

 

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Comments

  1. We’ll always have Tweet-Paris…

  2. I missed your blog! And you!

    So proud of you for finally getting some more writing done on your book–you know I’ll be first in line when you publish it. Can’t wait!

    And welcome to my life where there are no men, no flirting (which makes me feel unbelievably lonely and unlovable cuz I’m really one hell of a flirty chick *cough* online *cough*) and all I spend my time on is writing, rewriting… oh and a bunch of dumb games.

    Don’t forget your blog tho–your blog audience is important for your future book 😉 HA!

  3. It’s so hard to balance blogging and booking. It’s the same reason I’ve been blogging a lot less frequently so far this year. I still haven’t figured out how to balance the two. I’ve been blogging consistently since I was a senior in high school (Xanga- anyone?) with the exception of my own Grad School Hiatus of 2009-2011. And it wasn’t because I was in grad school. It was because I was writing my book.

    All my life I’ve only been successful at focusing on one writing pursuit at a time, and this is the first time I’m trying really hard to maintain two. It’s freaking hard!!! Especially if you’re trying to publish other places too (which I’m not, but you are, so how do you find the time to do that?) Blogging is great and all, but having a book on a shelf at Barnes and Noble is, like, my DREAM and shit. (And I feel added pressure to publish quickly before Barnes and Noble goes out of business and print books cease to exist, thus eliminating all possibility of me ever realizing my dream of HOLDING MY BOOK IN MY HANDS).

    Ok. That was a long stream of consciousness. I’m really out of it right now. I worked all day and just did my taxes and realized I owe the government $$$$$$$$$$$$.

    The point is our books are going to be AWESOME, and I’m so glad we’re doing this.

    • Blogging and booking – SO TRUE! And I SO feel you on that B&N trip, girl. Like, every time a bookstore closes I cry for my future self. (And now, our future selves, frankly.)

      I’m so glad we’re doing this too!!! P.S. props to you for actually doing the taxes, though… I’ve been afraid of making that appointment for some time now.

  4. Brandon Haskey says:

    One of my biggest struggles as a writer/blogger is knowing what to put where, how much information they should share, etc. Sometimes I come across something SUPER good that I’ve written, and I feel like it’s too good to blog. Here’s to finding balance 🙂

  5. Back when I was 23 and a dumbass”-ha. Great post. I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award:
    http://annaweezy.wordpress.com/2013/02/07/whitney-houstons-comforter-and-a-blogging-award/

  6. Forget your future kids! How about your poor blog readers who robotically check their e-mail for a new post, forsaking all other entertainment?

    • Haha – the book will be kind of like a massive Keychanges binge, if that’s any consolation! AND I’m so totally planning to blog weekly, so this post could have been unnecessarily melodramatic, maybe.

  7. i keep telling you..woody allen..gay..but still woody allen..you dont think woody was gay do you..

  8. I’m not writing and I can’t think of why other than I’m boring. Also, if it is any consolation….children will remind you to feed them OFTEN

    Um, why no therapy? Therapy is the BEST! One hour dedicated to talking about yourself, every week, captive audience…are you kidding me?! You would LOVE therapy!

  9. I cannot *wait* to read your book. I’ve also been writing more than ever, but *not* writing my blog. Weird, eh?

    • That IS weird! I feel like, even if we are neglecting our blogs, we’re at least still writing so maybe we get a free pass? Please tell me you’re memoir-ing too, btw!

Trackbacks

  1. […] And then I thought about how it would be great to have some new energy up in here, especially since I’ve been regrettably absent due to the BOOK THAT IS TAKING OVER MY LIFE. […]

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