My Team Lost — but I’m OK and Thank You, Mariah Carey

Remember how at the beginning of this year’s football season I wrote that whole post about how I went to the Pats home opener after having spent most of my summer wasting time with that guy who called me fat and a variety of other noncommittal a-holes? And then we lost?

Well, yeah. That pretty much happened again last week. Except this time, instead of losing a game at the beginning of the regular season, we lost in the AFC Championship — and I just… I can’t deal.

For those of you who aren’t into football — this means that our season is over, we aren’t going to the Super Bowl, and yes, I’m using terms like our and we — and yes, I’m being a baby about it.

Here’s a picture of me pretending to grill a mere five hours before my dreams were crushed:


Sigh. I vaguely remember what it’s like to smile like that.

Okay, I’m going to stop being lugubrious now and start writing about how Mariah Carey makes life worth living.

Yes, I’m talking about Idol. If you follow me on Twitter, then you already know how I feel about this — I think it is the greatest thing to happen to the world ever. Or it’s at least in the top three.

In fact, here is a list of the top three best things to happen to the world ever:

  1. Sliced bread
  2. Mariah Carey
  3. Mariah Carey as a judge on American Idol

Seriously, y’all. It’s amazing. The fact that the we can all now see Mariah’s hilarity and brilliance and amazing facial expressions in a natural setting (sitting at a table beside Nicki Minaj, even!) for a full two hours every week is, frankly, a modern miracle.

If I ever had a doubt that Mariah and I were soul mates, it disappeared when Nicki called her a bitch and she was just like (to everyone and no one), “If she called me something that begins with a ‘B’ and ends with an ‘itch,’ I rebuke it.”


And that’s just a small example of why she’s perfect.

Literally everything she does is entertaining. And the best part about it is that you can tell that she’s just like, there, and on some level she realizes how ridiculous the Nicki feud is (and how ridiculous life is, really) and so she’s just calm and smart and occasionally British.

So, yeah. With that in mind, click HERE to see my official response to the Pats loss last week (and really, as already admitted elsewhere, my official response to everything ever).

And like Mariah said to the guy who didn’t make it to Hollywood who I’m pretty sure she was only half-listening to anyways (because I know I would have been) — there’s always next year.




  1. I will never understand the Mariah carey thing (well, except for Prince of Egypt cuz, ya know, that movie is majestic) but I’m just happy that you found a reason to go on

  2. magicpoetry says:

    And this is why I quit bothering with football.

    (except I LOVE Super Bowl and every year root for the team with the prettiest colors and most sympathetic players.)

  3. I will go read your official response and I’m not going to be a bad winner and comment further.


  4. Also, just so you know, I would consider getting Twitter just to follow you.

    • If you did that, I feel like you’d end up becoming a tweet-master yourself and get as addicted as I am! Also, I love that your comment carried an implication that you thought my link was to an officially written response… Yes!!! I wish I could see reactions to the moment where people realize it’s actually just a brilliant Mariah gif.

  5. “Rebuke” sounds like a word Joe Pesci would use in “My Cousin Vinny.”

    I’m reading Nick Hornby’s “Fever Pitch” (20 years later) and though the British football players and contests are lost on me, it does offer insight into the dark soul of the fan. At this point I’m no longer sure if I’m referring to NFL or Mariah.

    • Ha! I’m not gonna lie, now that you mention it, I think he did say “rebuke” once or twice in that final courtroom scene.

  6. In my college social psychology class we learned that when someone’s team wins they tend to say “We won!” but when that team loses they tend to say “They lost.” So good for you for being loyal even in the tough times!

  7. I love your “official response” to the Pats loss. And I think “I rebuke it” has just become my new favorite saying. Though I might alter it a bit sometimes and say, “I rebuke you.”

  8. unfetteredbs says:

    what happened to our Pats? Are you a Sox fan?

  9. Dude, I like you, I like that fact you say it (or write it) as it is. Hat’s off to that and as a British, I would raise a nice hot cup of ‘Yorkshire’ tea to you and says ‘very well SIR’ and sir in deed in capitals.

  10. Haha. Not gonna lie. Knowing she uses words like “rebuke” makes me like her more.

  11. I reconciled with Mariah after the “All I want for Christmas is you” in the late night show.
    I come here because Ross from Drinking Tips sent me and now I see a few other bloggers that I know.
    So if you don’t mind I’ll hang out for awhile, I’ll promise I won’t make a mess nor drink your beer, I don’t like beer, but I’ll help myself with a martini.

    • That was a genius rendition of the tune! And I’m so glad you made it over here – thanks for the comment, and please have as many martinis as you wish!

  12. You’re a great writer man. Loved your piece in The Advocate. You’re def not fat btw.

  13. What/./.??? you’re talking about fat??? YOu ain’t fat, boy.. I AM FAT! lol.. oh.. I actually wrote about this (fat, obesity) on my blog.
    I guess once people start calling you fat, even if you loose weight they’ll still call you fat. check out.


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