Cruel Intentions is the Best Movie Ever, and I Have the Tweets and Emotional Issues to Prove It

If there were an Oscar category for “Most Perfect Teen Movie that Totally Transcends the Category of Teen Movies and Makes a Deep Statement About Love and Trust and Innocence and the Human Condition at Large,” then Roger Kumble’s 1999 drama Cruel Intentions would so be the winner.

Cruel Intentions is a genius high school adaptation of Dangerous Liaisons set in wealthy upper Manhattan well before Gossip Girl was a thing.

It stars the hottest, most damaged version of Ryan Phillippe ever, and — actually, wait, why am I doing a synopsis? If you haven’t seen this movie, then I think we’re going to have to stop being friends until you do some real soul-searching and address the major deficiency in your character as a result of having never been exposed to this masterpiece of a film in the whole fourteen years since its groundbreaking release.

I recently made one of the best decisions of my life when I stayed home on a Friday night to re-watch it for the first time in two years (a record for me).

Here I am live-tweeting the event, and you’re welcome in advance:

Screen shot 2013-01-19 at 12.13.33 PM

Wait for it…

Screen shot 2013-01-19 at 12.13.54 PM

And three hours later…

Screen shot 2013-01-19 at 12.14.20 PM

Impressively, I only lost four followers that day.

You may be wondering why this film has the ability to move me to tears (and tweets), and well, I can’t answer that question in any simple terms. I suspect it has a lot to do with the fact that I always fall for Sebastians — you know, heartless yet insanely charming men who want nothing more than to jump from bed to bed without ever actually getting emotionally invested in anyone or anything.

Everyone always gives the classic argument that “you can’t make a man like that change” — and yet, in Cruel Intentions, someone changes him. The jerk falls in love! And with a sweet, innocent good girl — a virgin, even — named Annette.

And so my life’s goal has been to be the gay male version of Annette. And I’ve failed in this quest with like, I don’t know, fourteen-thousand Sebastians or something. And so when I watch Cruel Intentions, I get very emotional over the fact that it’s a cruel reminder (see what I did there?) of the fact that Annettes only exist in the movies.

And even then, the Sebastian dies — so the moral of the story is that LOVE NEVER WORKS AND HOW CAN YOU NOT HAVE AN EMOTIONAL REACTION TO THAT?

dvd

This movie is just… I just… Stick a fork in me, I am done.

 

Advertisements

Comments

  1. Own it on blu ray, son!

  2. He dies?!!!!! Well, now I can’t watch it.

  3. magicpoetry says:

    Okay. I’ll be damned, but I’ve never seen this movie.

    Believe it or not.

    *goes to YouTube*

  4. I may be too old to watch this. Who plays Annette? I thought Cruel Intentions was that movie with George Clooney and Catherine Zeta Jones?

  5. Cruel Intentions and a Funeral.

  6. seeing this movie at the ripe old age of 12 (and every age after) has made me forever associate long island iced teas with sexual trickery. difficult for a girl growing up on long island.

  7. I love this movie! You’re awesome.

  8. jenniferleemcnew says:

    totally following you based simply on this post alone. LOVE Cruel Intentions.

  9. jenniferleemcnew says:

    Tell me you love 1998 version of Great Expectations…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: