Weddings and My Uncanny Ability to Make Them All About Me (In My Head)

I’ve been going to a lot of weddings lately – four in the past five months, actually. So according to this precedent, I only get to enjoy one out of every five months wedding-free, which means that I can only have a maximum of three months off of weddings per year – and frankly, that doesn’t seem like enough.

But it’s totally fine, because I secretly love weddings — for me, they’re kind of like cheesecakes.

What I mean: They are amazing at the time of enjoyment, but I typically end up feeling fat and unloved afterwards.

But again, it’s totally fine. They’re worth the extra calories — because what could be better than seeing your friends happy and in love? (I feel like the answer to this is actually being happy and in love, but I guess I was being rhetorical.)

I do have to confess, though, that during the ceremonies, I always stress over the following things:

  • Am I sitting in an okay area? Whose side am I on? Are sides even a thing anymore? Am I too close to the front? Holy CRAP what if I’m sitting in, like, the bride’s grandmother’s cousin’s seat?!

Or if I’ve chosen to avoid the above anxiety by sitting all the way in the back, then this happens:

  • Why are there two rows between me and the next closest-to-the-front person? Is filling up the seats from front to back, in order, a commonly-known wedding rule that I’m currently breaking? Are people looking at me like, “Who is that guy anti-socially sequestering himself back there like the Hunchback of Notre Dame?”

(Note: I’ve never actually seen or read The Hunchback of Notre Dame, but he was a fugly guy who sequestered himself in cavernous areas, right?)

More random thoughts:

  • Oh my God, what if I accidentally “speak now”?!
  • I totally saw the Maid of Honor give me a weird look as she walked down the aisle. I’m DEFINITELY sitting in the bride’s grandmother’s cousin’s seat!

It’s usually somewhere around that last bullet point when I realize that nobody is even noticing me at all – because it’s not my wedding, and the bride’s grandmother’s cousin is busy being all like, “I’m so happy for my cousin’s granddaughter! Am I sitting in an okay seat?” and the Maid of Honor is busy being all like, “I really hope I don’t trip,” and the bride and groom are busy being all like, “WHOA. WE’RE GETTING MARRIED RIGHT NOW.”

And then the reception happens, and I always have the best time ever.

Because who doesn’t love a good cheesecake?

Remember this? Yeah, I think there was a wedding happening that day. Or something. All I remember is my inner dialogue.

Remember this? Yeah, I think there was a wedding happening that day. Or something. Clearly, all I really remember is my inner dialogue.

 

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Comments

  1. Nailed it. By the way, you’re thinking of the smash hit, Four Hunchbacks of Notre Dame and a Funeral.

  2. Too funny! I like your honesty, that inner monologue that so many of us have but don’t share. I’ll keep checking out your site! L

  3. magicpoetry says:

    Brill’!

    My immediate thought and relief is this: “Thank God I’m not the only one out there who have NOT read the THON book!” Believe me, I’ve tried–and failed.

    Ah I miss weddings. Haven’t been to one in several years. I remember loving them–then get depressed knowing I’ll never get my own.

    Oh well.

    😉

  4. I miss going to weddings. I love wedding food. Now I’m so old I’m going to have to wait for my friends’ kids to get married and then I will be the grandmother’s cousin.

  5. Haha, love that bit about it being a commonly-known rule to fill the rows front to back in order. Totally a thought I would have.

    • Ha! It’s so true – you should know that every time I think that (and every other everybody-knows-everything-but-me-esque thought), I think of you.

  6. You missed one part of the inner monologue: “Did I wear the right thing? Does everyone think I look good? Is my ex cussing himself out for ever making the mistake of dumping me? DO I LOOK OKAY? NO, SCRATCH THAT. DO I LOOK BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE?”

  7. I bet you are SO fun at weddings! I am not a wedding person, at all…but I admit, I always want to see what food people serve…tells a lot about a person (and I don’t mean about what they can always afford or not afford.) My sister had (good) sandwiches on plates, but loved music so spent $$ to have great music! I respected that 🙂 If you like flowers, buy the best but get a less expensive dress. We are okay with that…But if you are just plain cheap….to be cheap…remember your guests and the things you ask on your *gift registry* Popcorn as an appetizer does NOT get you four $100 wine glasses…just saying…

    btw Nic…I like cheesecake (white chocolate raspberry was my favorite when I could eat it)
    ❤ ya!

    • AMEN on the wine glasses, ha! I so agree with you on gift etiquette. I always do plenty of research going in, and typically end up just gifting cash – an estimate of the venue’s typical price-per-plate….

      WOW it just occurred to me that for a hopeless romantic, I’m really kind of a heart/thoughtless wedding gift-giver.

      ❤ ya more!

  8. “They are amazing at the time of enjoyment, but I typically end up feeling fat and unloved afterwards.” Haha. YES. This is exactly how I’ve felt at weddings. Never could find the right words for it.

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