God Texted Me and Was All Like, “Stop Dating A-Holes!”

Last week was so, like, sign-from-God-y.

Seriously, it was just one sign from God after another. There were so many SFGs, I feel like God and I have been texting.

Or something.

It all started on Wednesday night when I slept over one of my brothers’ houses.

(Explanatory side note: I have four older brothers/stepbrothers. Growing up, I was the fat, whiny baby of the family always seeking the most attention. Does that explain everything about Keychanges ever?)

So. During our long-overdue sleepover, we kind of killed a few bottles of wine while catching up on our mutual frustrations with life and love – and I kind of ended up texting with almost every man I had semi-seriously dated in 2012.

I woke up the next morning, eager to review all texting transcripts, and saw that my phone was permanently destroyed from water damage – thereby precluding me from EVER BEING ABLE TO SEE WHAT WAS WRITTEN THE NIGHT BEFORE.

Maybe I actually have been texting with God — I wouldn’t know. Either way, I feel like this mishap truly was His way of teaching me some kind of lesson about letting go. And communicating intentionally. And not sending drunk-texts. And the importance of buying a protective phone case. And probably a lot of other stuff, too.

The next day, after acquiring a new phone, I went on a date with a friend of a friend from near my hometown — and he was so ridiculously unavailable that it’s not even funny. I’m talking lives-far-away-in-the-first-place-and-is-in-the-closet-and-deleted-my-totally-innocent-Facebook-post-from-his-wall-the-next-morning unavailable.

On account of my low self-esteem, I actually allowed myself to like him for approximately 48 hours.

But then this happened:


Y’all, it was like the Trail of Tears.

I will say, though, that the majority of my Facebook friends and I do believe I was incredibly resourceful (and, really, genius) for coming up with that traffic solution. Also, the timing could not have been any better: It was year-end-retrospective-y. It was therapeutic. It was the springboard to my realization that most of the men I dated last year were – in their own, individual ways – totally unavailable.

Later that night, inspired by all of these happenings, I wrote a short piece that got picked up by Thought Catalog. It’s called, “2013: The Year I Officially Swear Off Unavailable Men.”

I’d like to thank God for this particular New Year’s resolution.

P.S. Did you notice how my last two posts have been all God and/or Pope-y? What the hell is going on?

P.P.S. What I realized from having my Thought Catalog piece semi-edited: I overuse italics for everything. No I don’t. Do I? I’ve been wrestling with this demon since it went live.

P.P.P.S. Can we just talk about the naked man that they paired with the article? Now every time I go to view my work, I get sexually aroused… Is this what self-love feels like?




  1. everything happens for a reason…
    a total cliche’-but I’ve been watching Toddlers & Tiaras-my mind is blank :\
    but seriously, there’s nothing like waking up the next morning after writing a lil somethin somethin…and thinking…Omg, delete…DELETE!
    I wish you a wonderful 2013…prosperous, happy, safe AND fun, Nick!

    (don’t be so hard on yourself…enjoy the ride)

    • DELETE! You said it, haha. Thank you love! Happy New Year to you, too!!! You are amazing; wishing you all the best in 2013 🙂

  2. In the past year, I was CALLED a prostitute/hooker/streetwalker/ or some other variant on the word by at least five people.
    I was ACTUALLY solicited for sex by three people.
    Meaningful relationships? None to speak of.

    Trust me, I feel your pain.

    • The good news is that you won’t get called that in Brooklyn! (Explicitly and to your face, anyway… can’t make any guarantees when it comes to hipster passive aggression, lol)

      Also? Solicited for sex = construed as desirable by those soliciting. #silverlining

  3. Editor = God

  4. magicpoetry says:

    Seeing as I’m someone who immediately regrets typing up whatever I was sending to someone else the moment I click on “send”, I can relate. I even think I’m worse than you. Often I reconsider before sending, erase, and don’t say anything at all, but other times I try not to be so uptight and just go with the flow. Regret is killing me for x number of hours after that and even more so if they don’t reply within a reasonable amount of time (which is pretty much 5 seconds).

    In 2013 I’m going to try not to end up in a loony bin, lol.

    Say “Hola!” to God for me, He hasn’t visited me in a while.

    (I’ll regret this comment in 3… 2… 1…)

    • Haha. LOVE this comment! Mainly because I do the same exact thing. Sigh… We’re nothing if not emotionally ridiculous.

  5. You…Are…Hilarious!!!

  6. Can I open the other article at work? Or is it just going to be naked men jumping off the screen, I like to view those at home.

  7. LOVE this post. LOVE your article. LOVE that picture with your article. My new goal is to get something published with that picture…

  8. unfetteredbs says:

    first off– thanks for the chuckle and THEN thank you for the beautiful eye candy albiet cut-off

  9. hey nic..we are sending you an award..fittingly enough from nashville..please see our blog for details.
    lilly and dt

  10. you are more than welcome

  11. Love this. I think I’ve been cursed with only ever being attracted to unavailable men, so I get this! And btw you are hilarious.

  12. You really nailed it once more amigo carry on the great work I usually get fun from your own articles.

    ! . !

  13. Loving your blog!

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