Rather than reflect on the milestones, revelations, and addictions to dating websites that I experienced this year, I think I’d prefer to share a few totally insignificant things that happened to me – because I never blog about those, and it just occurred to me that it’s kind of discriminatory. (Am I a blog-bigot?)
So here are a few trivial moments that punctuated my year, in the form of would-be tweets that could never actually happen because of character limits and the fact that I’m incapable of being anything other than verbose:
1. I started doing this thing where I get home from work at night and eat pepperoncini directly from the jar. I’m troubled to report that it’s kind of something I look forward to all day long — in addition to crying into wine glasses while listening to Taylor Swift songs and mentally revisiting that time I got called fat, of course. But I don’t so much look forward to that last routine as much as I just accept it as a sad inevitability, so never mind. But I stand by the pepperoncini.
2. I saw a video about how purposely taking one-minute-long cold showers is supposed to be like, amazing for the mind, body, and soul. What stood out most to me is that it’s (allegedly) a major fat-burning tool, so I (predictably, obviously, inevitably – these all work) tried it. And uh, my buns – they don’t feel nothin’ like steel. (If you immediately recognized and appreciated this Clueless reference, let’s be friends.)
3. I listened to Mariah Carey’s Glitter-era gem, “Lead the Way,” while eating Chipotle and commuting home from work one day, and was severely disillusioned to realize that there’s a moment in the song where she sings “you and me” when it should have been “you and I” – and this is extremely basic grammar, and Mariah is a deity in my eyes, and so now I’m disillusioned with a deity, and so now I kind of feel like this is the year I learned that Santa’s not real, my parents aren’t perfect, and taxes are a thing all at the same time. (Ironically, I’m fairly certain that this non-tweet includes some of my worst grammar to date. It’s Mariah’s fault.)
4. All I want for Christmas this year is a jar of pepperoncini, a cold shower that actually burns fat as promised, and to reclaim my belief in grammar. And love. (I guess this one could have actually been a real tweet, as it would clearly fit within Twitter parameters. Although now, with this parenthetical tangent, it’s hard to tell. Definitely too long. Though I suppose if it had actually originated on Twitter, I’d never have had the need to clarify that it could have fit within Twitter parameters in the first place — because that would have already been implied given the venue in which it was being displayed — and this whole parenthetical tangent could have been avoided entirely. But now it’s here, and I’m leaving it. Because frankly, taking it out would be discriminatory, and I’m not a blog-bigot.)
P.S. Shout-out to nineties female power group Four Non-Blondes for inspiring this blog post title! If you have never heard “What’s Up,” then please reevaluate everything about your life immediately. And then go listen to it on YouTube.