Four Non-Tweets

Rather than reflect on the milestones, revelations, and addictions to dating websites that I experienced this year, I think I’d prefer to share a few totally insignificant things that happened to me – because I never blog about those, and it just occurred to me that it’s kind of discriminatory. (Am I a blog-bigot?)

So here are a few trivial moments that punctuated my year, in the form of would-be tweets that could never actually happen because of character limits and the fact that I’m incapable of being anything other than verbose:

1. I started doing this thing where I get home from work at night and eat pepperoncini directly from the jar. I’m troubled to report that it’s kind of something I look forward to all day long — in addition to crying into wine glasses while listening to Taylor Swift songs and mentally revisiting that time I got called fat, of course. But I don’t so much look forward to that last routine as much as I just accept it as a sad inevitability, so never mind. But I stand by the pepperoncini.

Did I use the word "insignificant" before? I totally take that back.

                Did I use the word “insignificant” before? I totally take that back.

2. I saw a video about how purposely taking one-minute-long cold showers is supposed to be like, amazing for the mind, body, and soul. What stood out most to me is that it’s (allegedly) a major fat-burning tool, so I (predictably, obviously, inevitably – these all work) tried it. And uh, my buns – they don’t feel nothin’ like steel. (If you immediately recognized and appreciated this Clueless reference, let’s be friends.)

3. I listened to Mariah Carey’s Glitter-era gem, “Lead the Way,” while eating Chipotle and commuting home from work one day, and was severely disillusioned to realize that there’s a moment in the song where she sings “you and me” when it should have been “you and I” – and this is extremely basic grammar, and Mariah is a deity in my eyes, and so now I’m disillusioned with a deity, and so now I kind of feel like this is the year I learned that Santa’s not real, my parents aren’t perfect, and taxes are a thing all at the same time. (Ironically, I’m fairly certain that this non-tweet includes some of my worst grammar to date. It’s Mariah’s fault.)

4. All I want for Christmas this year is a jar of pepperoncini, a cold shower that actually burns fat as promised, and to reclaim my belief in grammar. And love. (I guess this one could have actually been a real tweet, as it would clearly fit within Twitter parameters. Although now, with this parenthetical tangent, it’s hard to tell. Definitely too long. Though I suppose if it had actually originated on Twitter, I’d never have had the need to clarify that it could have fit within Twitter parameters in the first place — because that would have already been implied given the venue in which it was being displayed — and this whole parenthetical tangent could have been avoided entirely. But now it’s here, and I’m leaving it. Because frankly, taking it out would be discriminatory, and I’m not a blog-bigot.)




P.S. Shout-out to nineties female power group Four Non-Blondes for inspiring this blog post title! If you have never heard “What’s Up,” then please reevaluate everything about your life immediately. And then go listen to it on YouTube.



  1. Okay, a few things. I don’t like those pepperoncini things but they do have the giant jars at Costco. Two: I really like what I can see of your kitchen. Third: I have heard that cold shower nonsense before and it doesn’t reinvigorate me, I still need to lose 20 lbs and it’s freakin’ cold! And I don’t know how to Tweeter.

  2. magicpoetry says:

    HA! I adore randomness wrapped in good humor. You go, Nic!

    If I was American, or, English was my first language, Mariah would’ve lost a star and I’d be obsessing over her grammar ever after (I’m a Norwegian grammar-nazi, I’ve been told). Instead, next time I hear that song, I’ll listen carefully and think of you. Ha!

    Rihanna though: way worse.

    Really glad to see you’re blogging again! Keep ’em coming!

    P.S.: Nice duck!

  3. vananaberry says:

    I knew that Clueless quote at “and, uh, my buns”! I’ll be quoting that movie FOR LIFE.

    You’re hilarious, I really love your blog (and tweets) and thank you for posting that link “Torn tissues of” something? (I just read it and can’t remember the title, sigh.) Anyway, I needed to read that, so thank you 🙂

  4. Thanks for the laugh today! You have much more insignificant milestones than I do. Crap, is that bad grammar? I think you’re not supposed to end a sentence with “do”. But now I’ve done it twice. Was it wrong both times, just once, or never? Now you have me really stressed about my grammar. But I’m not Mariah Carey, so I guess you probably won’t be all that disappointed if I screw up. Hmm. I think you aren’t supposed to end a sentence in “up”, either… Unless you are talking about the movie. Then, it’s probably completely appropriate to say, “My friend and I went to see that movie, ‘Up’.” (I’m not sure about the punctuation marks in that one.) Sorry. You jumpstarted my random muscles, apparently.

  5. Your post was very entertaining and made me laugh. The blog-bigot got me!

  6. okay, so I feel like an idiot…I had to Google, pepperoncini (in a jar-should have tipped me off) I thought it was pepperoni circles that were in a jar? wow…anyway, cold showers are good! you shiver so much that your body uses calories to get you warm…I don’t know if that’s true, but it sounded good, right?
    Have a wonderful weekend, my friend
    Oh and I will tell my best friend, Mariah, what you said…ooh, you’re in trouble now…

    • Haha no, MC is going to be so upset with me for blog-talkin’ smack!!! Your reasoning with the cold showers is totally sound, by the way. I think I may try it again!

  7. Your I/me conundrum is exactly why I have a hard time listening to She and Him. So I just watch Zooey in the videos with the sound off.

    • Haha! Interestingly, I do the same thing with Justin Timberlake. Though I guess grammar has nothing to do with it.

      • By the way, I hope this doesn’t sever our blogship but as you’ll see in my next post, I’m not in the Mariah camp. I’m not even on the campsite. I’m on the other side of town from the campsite. Wearing earplugs. Just warning you.

  8. I have not heard this about cold showers, but my hairdresser DID tell me that rinsing your conditioner out with cold water is a great way to have awesome hair. I always keep that in mind now for special occasions.

    Also, when I lived in India for two months I had no choice but to take cold showers, and I lost a ton of weight. But I also wasn’t eating anything except bananas. So that might have been a case of correlation rather than causation. (I also had a mental breakdown–so be forewarned).


  1. […] the answer is threefold: (1) in my kitchen eating copious amounts of pepperoncini straight from the jar, (2) on suburban Connecticut streets taking long meditative after-dinner […]

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