How Not to Impress a Guy on a First Date

This list is comprised purely of things that I actually did on a date last week:

1. Admit to not having ever traveled outside of North America.

2. Order a burger with a yolky fried egg on top of it.

3. Have the following conversation:

  • Date: How do you not have a passport?
  • Nic: I know, it’s crazy! But I’m working on it, I swear. Moving on… Burgers with fried eggs on them are the FREAKIN’ BEST. Have you ever had one?
  • Date: No.
  • Nic: Oh! So I’ve never traveled overseas, but you‘ve never had a burger with a fried egg on it. When it comes to that whole lack-of-culture-and-world-perspective thing, we’re obviously totally even.
  • Date: I don’t agree…

4. Attempt to eat a french fry and miss your mouth entirely, thereby dropping the fry on the table in a highly embarrassing and supremely awkward fashion. (Yes, that happened, and I actually lived to tell. I’m still trying to figure out what kind of award I deserve for going through such a traumatic experience — I’m thinking it should have the words “hero” and/or “survivor” in its title.)

Later that night, I gave my date a ride back to his apartment. As he began to emerge from my vehicle, I felt compelled to reach into my backseat and pull from a bag of free samples of Tide® Pods that I obtained from a generous friend who clearly has some valuable connections. I then went into full grandma-mode and said something to the effect of, “Take some Tide® home with you for your laundry. These fancy new Pods — they’re an innovation!”

I must have really liked him, because my brain was so cloudy at the time that I actually considered this behavior to be both normal and appealing.

In retrospect, I realize that I sent my date home with laundry detergent.

“I won’t put out on the first date, but I WILL send you home with some household cleaning products!”

Alternate titles for this post: “This is Why I’m Single,” “How to Channel Your Inner Grandmother While Trying to Not Scare Off a Potential Suitor on a First Date and Totally Failing,” or “I Dropped a French Fry on a Date — and I Survived.”

P.S. But seriously, have you tried Pods yet? They’re freakin’ amazing — a stain remover, detergent, and brightener all in ONE!

P.P.S. The saddest part about this post is that I am not affiliated with or working for Tide® and/or any branch of Procter & Gamble in any way. This is all purely my own doing.

 

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Comments

  1. Was the burger good at least? Dating is awkward enough as is….It Gets Better.

  2. Don’t feel too bad, I just posted reason 442 why I’m still single so… there’s that.
    Besides, at least you didn’t say something disparaging about the Catholic faith only to find out you were on a date with the only gay Catholic that isn’t a pedophile priest… not that I’m speaking from experience…
    Whatever, the joke I made was hilarious, it’s not my fault he had no sense of humor! … that’s the lie I tell myself to get through the lonely nights

    • HA! I’m actually a gay Catholic myself. But I often say disparaging things about the Catholic faith, so I’d say that I’m a bit less devout than whoever THAT guy was.

      Also, I have so missed the “Reasons why I’m still single” series! Heading over immediately!

      • Oh, I’m a gay Catholic myself, but I never was a very good one…
        Glad your misfortune again has turned into my humor! hahaha

  3. Ohhh Nic you kill me and that is why you are getting an award from me to day. Tide is silly expensive but for you I might try a pod.

    • DYING!!! LOVE THE DESCRIPTION YOU GAVE ME. LOVE YOU. LOVE SOMEONE FAT HAPPENED. AND APPARENTLY, I LOVE CAPS.

      P.S. If we were neighbors (and/or on a first date), I’d totally hook you up with some free Pod samples.

      • Maggie O'C says:

        You know I have a new Dutch door now so we could be neighbors and chat over my dutch door and you could tell me about the Tide Pods and over to give me some, and a cup of sugar and an egg.

  4. Any date that cannot appreciate the candidness/humor/humility of 1-4 + pods is not worth your time. 🙂 (Especially with how you phrase it!)

    • 1. Thank you for the amazing compliment! Those are of course three of my favorite qualities in others.

      2. It seems this date actually DID appreciate 1-4 + the Pods, so who knows, he just may be a keeper! 😉

  5. I think that I can safely say, though it has been a long time, and my memory is no longer very reliable, that I never had a date offer me laundry detergent. If he had, I’m sure I would have found a way to twist that into some sort of wish on his part to connect with me domestically, and would have gone to bed dreaming of wedding bells.

  6. Don’t worry- you’ll get that passport when we travel abroad on our book tour. And you can tell him I said so.

  7. Brandon Haskey says:

    I HAVE tried the pods. They changed my world. CHANGED IT!

    Also glad to know I’m not the world’s only profoundly awkward person 🙂

  8. Ok Nic…I thought I was the ONLY one to like Tide Pods this much…people just don’t admit to this stuff….But yes, I fondle them (so inappropriately, I really do, I feel dirty just thinking about them squishy lil things…but at least I can admit it!) love you….just love YO ass!
    Have a wonderful weekend, yo
    Kat 🙂

  9. Here I am! At last! No, I didn’t abandon you, I have just been extremely caught uø in reading and, well, I’ve been so bad I’ve literally dropped everything and read all week. Thanks for that, Stephen King!

    Anyway.

    What a considerate date you are! Handing out laundry advices and what not. I wish I had a date who were that much into washing laundry 😉

    How’s it going with your date now? Are you still on or did he decline a second date?

    • Phew! I was nervous that you were taking a break from the Internet, but reading actual books is ALWAYS an acceptable alternative 😉

      As far as date #2, I’m still deciding if I should do a follow-up blog on this saga, or leave it offline for a while. I will say though, that I did not scare him off, so that’s good. Have I just created a bunch of unnecessary suspense? I think I did- sorry!

  10. I don’t know you but as it turns out, I’ve been on that date before. Many, MANY times. Cheers!

  11. We need to get you some game. There’s an art to dating and attracting people. It isn’t something most of us are born with naturally. You have to learn how to act smoothly, how to seduce your prey. LOL

    I wonder if pickup artist techniques would work for you.

  12. Magnificent! (As usual. 😛 )

  13. I’d take a juicy burger with a yolky egg on it over leaving North America any day. Food is just so…. Amazing. Surrounding myself with unknown, stress inducing new places, not so much.

  14. i enjoyed this. plus…whatever, i love tide pods. actually. let’s be friends.

Trackbacks

  1. […] write all of the above after having spent much of the past month with a pretty awesome guy whom I have embarrassed myself in front of multiple times and who still somehow thinks I’m as awesome as he […]

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  3. […] as I packed my things. But I was wrong! The Maxima carried me — to and from football games, dates, mountain excursions, etc. — for three more years. While my friends all settled into adulthood by […]

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