Purposeless Dating: A Big Waste of Time

When it comes to how I feel about dating, my nineties television soul mate — Ally McBeal — says it best:

“The truth is, I don’t actually date. Not for the fun of it, anyways. I more like audition potential husbands. And if I don’t see any potential, I don’t waste my time.”

This woman. She gets me.

This is why I’ve had approximately thirty-nine and a half first dates this summer that ultimately went nowhere. Because if we’re on a date and I learn that you are:

  • closeted,
  • of an unkempt appearance,
  • humorless,
  • a Jets fan,
  • shorter than advertised on OkCupid,
  • averse to beer-drinking, or
  • incapable of having a conversation about anything other than the gym,

then I will not waste my — or your — time.

I kind of have a non-existent biological clock that requires my husband and I to adopt our first potentially international baby when I’m between the ages of thirty and thirty-five, and I’d like for us to have been happily gay-married for a good five years before that happens. So, according to these calculations, I have a maximum of six years in which to find Mr. Right.

While I realize 2018 isn’t the most immediate deadline, I have no desire to spend the rest of my twenties reliving my slutty college years months (I was monogamously coupled for ninety-percent of my undergraduate experience).

In short, I hate wasting time.

Unfortunately, because the universe clearly hates me, the majority of this summer’s guys that I did see husband-potential with seem to love wasting time. This is evidenced by the fact that they waited until the second, third, and even fifth dates to tell me that they “aren’t looking for anything too serious,” but “still want to hang out” — and then had the nerve to suggest we still sleep together.

Pardon my naïveté, but it truly blows my mind that men can effectively say, I’m afraid of commitment but I do kind of enjoy your company, so let’s just have no-strings-attached sex, and expect it to be received with a glowing air of understanding acceptance.

I’m sorry, but the whole reason I went on those multiple dates and took the time to get to know you as a person was because I ultimately want those effing strings (maybe not with you, but if things were to work out, then, yeah — strings would be the end goal). And frankly, I’m pretty damn sick of feeling like I’m some kind of crazy person because of it.

Maybe I do need therapy.

But honestly, when did wanting a relationship go from being an obvious implication of participation in the dating scene to being some kind of rare psychological disease that signifies my desperation, neediness, and obesity?

After days of contemplation, I’ve yet to figure that one out.

I have concluded, though, that perhaps the above-mentioned men of my summer aren’t all being honest. Maybe the ones who “don’t want anything serious” are liars who may or may not just think I’m fat. Or maybe they are being truthful. Either way, it doesn’t bode well for my future that I keep meeting men who could be described in either of the following two ways:

  1. They honestly aren’t looking for relationships, and are therefore douche bags — douche bags who all deserve to be stuck on trains with burrito bowls and no forks — for allowing chemistry to develop between us over the course of several dates, and then telling me that they’re commitment-phobic.
  2. They’re lying sons o’ bitches. They actually are looking for relationships, and the “don’t want anything serious” line is their seemingly-less-damaging way of telling me that somewhere along the way in our sequence of dates I scared them off by saying that I “truly believe Taylor Swift is the Joni Mitchell of our time… except deeper.”

To the number ones: Grow a pair, and learn to keep it real. And to the number twos:

…Grow a pair, and learn to keep it real.

With this in mind, I’d like to proclaim the following to all potential suitors:

Be aware that I’m looking for something serious. Who the hell knows yet if I’m looking for something serious with you, but if I agree to multiple dates, then it should be interpreted as me acknowledging that I at least see potential with us. If I eventually decide that we may not be a good fit, then I will tell you that — probably by saying that I see us more as friends (who never hang out).

Please reciprocate.

Don’t waste my time; don’t waste your time.





  1. You deserve better.

    And, I’m right there with you on Taylor Swift. We are Never Getting Back Together: Best song of the decade. Hands down.

  2. I hear you sister! When I was dating, I would meet guys and think “that is not what ‘athletic build’ means.” And for those who didn’t want to date me back….”I have no idea what their problem is.”

    Years ago one of my college roommates told me “never settle”.

    So Nic, keep fighting the good fight. And I think it’s true that when you least expect it, love finds you.

    • Settling is indeed the worst thing one can do! Ah, the ‘athletic build,’ syndrome. This is why I post “a few extra pounds” even if it’s not totally true, it helps to manage all potential dates’ expectations.

  3. You deserve SO much better, Nic. In fact, I have a (humorous?) idea!

    Have you ever watched P.S: I love you? In the movie, one of the girls is seeking a husband. She is using a hilarious tactic in her attempt to find a man, but it eventually ends up working! (It’s a movie, it’d be a miracle if it didn’t, hey?)

    I suggest you use the same tactic and you’ll find a husband in no time! Alternatively, I could help you out, but considering the distance…

    Hey by the way, I am seriously pondering about going to New York around Spring time/summer next year. If it happens, I’m up for a casual meeting with you at Chipotle or a gay club to contribute in hunting down a potential husband for you. Are you in?!

    Anyway; you go, Nic! Stand your ground and remember: you’re not alone xoxo

    • I have not seen it in a couple years so I must Google this husband-hunting tactic! Haha.

      If you are EVER in NYC, I will INSIST that we have both Chipotle AND a club experience. That would be amazing!!!

  4. Well, now you’ve made me:
    yearn for the days of Ally McBeal

    glad that I am no longer dating

    wish that you were around when I was dating, so you could tell all of the jerks I dated exactly that, or at least tell me what to tell them

    wish that I lived in or was visiting NYC sometime soon so I could do the whole Chipotle and club experience even tho I’m too old and too married and too sober

    wish that I could find the perfect guy for you and be godmother to your adorable international baby

    Oh – and that Taylor Swift song – just heard it the other day – AWESOME

  5. You are a wonderful, amazing, and NOT FAT person!!! You can’t convince men that you’re GOLD if all they know is silver!!!

    Take heart, and be true to who you are!!! 🙂

  6. So many things… first being, I LOVE THIS PARAGRAPH:
    “But honestly, when did wanting a relationship go from being an obvious implication of participation in the dating scene to being some kind of rare psychological disease that signifies my desperation, neediness, and obesity?”

    Second: I think all of these people who say they don’t want anything serious (which is sort of how I feel, but you’ll see why I say ‘sort of’); they don’t, until, well, they do. I fully believe that you can meet a person who changes your thoughts and perceptions, and that’s what I’m waiting for. I like hanging on my own and not being tied to shit and not having to listen to somebody bitch and do their laundry etc etc ad nauseam BUT I’m hoping one day someone will come along that makes me forget all that shit and say, “hey! I’m ready for a relationship!” So I guess you are not that person for these unfortunate douchebags – which is good, because you are so freaking rad, that you deserve someone equally rad.

    Kinda like Zoey Deschanel in 500 Days of Summer. She didn’t believe in love until she met some dude randomly and got freaking married. You never know.

    Is it sad that THIS sort of ephemeral pipedream is what I’m hoping for?! HAHA…maybe I made you feel better about your plight…


    • Again after reading one of your comments I’m left feeling like, if we were ever sitting at a table together with a bottle of wine, we’d have one of the most epic/hilarious/true conversations to ever take place between two (clearly brilliant) humans.

      Not sad, and so not an ephemeral pipedream! The pipedream is that by bringing up 500 Days of Summer, you’ve just made my mind drift into a ten-minute-long fantasy of Joseph Gordon-Levitt showing up at my office to whisk me away to a remote location for nuptials and frequent lovemaking.

      • HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA X A MILLION. nuptials and lovemaking with JGL, sounds amazing; sign me up!!

        And seriously, PUHLEASE let’s put on our bucket list hanging out in the real world one day. FYI: I like red wine. 😉

  7. Dude. I’m feeling the same way about a relationship, minus the having dated a few dozen douchebags. We should’ve met when I lived in New York.

  8. GAH! This “dating” thing you speak of sounds horrible!! I met Hubby when I was 17 and fell in love with him on the spot… so ya… I’m a bitch.. 😛


  1. […] time while inhaling frozen chicken wings and a case of light beer before opening my laptop, last week’s post could have probably been avoided […]

  2. […] having spent most of my summer wasting time with that guy who called me fat and a variety of other noncommittal a-holes? And then we […]

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