Tragedy Strikes During My Fantasy Football Draft

So, with the exception of last week’s glorified Instagram posting, it just occurred to me that it has been two full weeks since my last real post. Gasp!

Where has the time gone?

Actually, I can answer that question:

  • One weekend at a casino filled with a drunken Zac Brown Band concert and modest gambling
  • Four gay bar debaucheries (just like the olden days of Keychanges)
  • My fantasy football draft, which turned into a major debacle when I lost my Internet connection
  • Lots of feelings-eating (as per usual)
  • Mad Men and several more Don Draper fantasies
  • Work (lest I forget)

And suddenly it’s fall.

If you don’t know me in real life, you may be shocked to discover that the same emotionally needy gay man who once assaulted a wine bottle out of husband-less frustration happens to be a fantasy football enthusiast (with a title under his belt, no less) and a country music fan, but both facts are indeed true.

Being a gay fantasy football team owner is kind of like being Peggy Olsen in Mad Men. That is to say (for those ignorant to my new television obsession) it is akin to being a female working professional in the male-dominated corporate world of 1960’s advertising — you must overcome prejudice, never let them see you cry, and deal with the fact that everyone is going to expect you to eventually get pregnant and start neglecting your duties. (Really, I should be so lucky to have that last problem.)

To give you some insight as to how I retain my identity while participating in heteronormative activities such as fantasy football, here is a fun little screen shot:

                                  And there goes my credibility.

Please note the Mariah Carey-inspired team name and Victoria’s Secret-approved helmet logo color scheme.

I had been preparing for this season’s draft for quite a few days leading up to the event, so you can imagine my utter rage when my WiFi decided to cut out during the seventh round. Thankfully, I had chosen most of my starters at that point, but when I finally got back in, I found that auto-pick had stocked my bench up with a number of unsavory back-ups.

Not. Okay.

Naturally, I proceeded to write a strongly worded e-mail to my building about how the free WiFi they offer is total crap and I demand a recount! (Kind of nonsensical, but I was pissed.)

The e-mail was actually pretty eloquent, but then I arrived at the final paragraph and couldn’t resist sharing with them that they had negatively impacted my fantasy season.

I now realize that this may have negated the validity of my entire argument and made me come off as some kind of disgruntled frat boy who really needs to gain some life perspective. I might as well have also thrown in that their WiFi is so bad that it interferes with my porn-viewing habits and often renders the Domino’s Pizza Tracker inaccurate.

Needless to say, I’ve yet to receive a response.

Anyways.

I really want to elaborate on the five other bullet points above, but now I also really want to order Domino’s, so I’m torn.

Where would I even begin? The gay bar sagas involve Lou, whom I’ve reluctantly become friends with. The casino weekend involves car troubles and beer, which is always fun to write about. The feelings-eating is pretty much a feature of every other post of mine, so I guess I can skip that…

Ooh! I just got a brilliant idea.

If there’s one story that you’re particularly intrigued by, tell me in the comments. If there is enough feedback, perhaps I’ll just make my next post dedicated to whichever topic has generated the most interest. Or just don’t comment at all and I’ll construe all of the non-response as evidence that my life is as uninteresting as I secretly fear.

(Excuse me while I order a pizza.)

 

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Comments

  1. I love the way you write! All of the above would make wonderful posts, I’m sure!

  2. Nic–will you marry me?

    I can’t freakin’ wait for your book! How is it coming along?

    As I LOVE country music and gambling–please do share 😉

    • The answer is so obviously YES! (As you know, marriage proposals are my favorite.)

      Ahhh the book! Still in the very early stages of writing, but the agent-search is progressing… so that’s promising! I will of course be sending you an advance copy and/or reach out for editing feedback!

  3. This weekend I ate my feelings in the way that I had a gin & tonic for appetizer, a gin & tonic for my mail course, and a gin& tonic with a key lime twist for dessert. My after-dinner drink was the tears from my drunk-cry.

    I’m starting to take it personally that you haven’t come to visit. But if you’ll notice, I’m kind of taking a lot of things personally lately. *SOBS*

    But seriously, get your ass down here.

    • Hahaha, ahhh the tears from the drunk-cry. So true.

      Re: me coming down, it NEEDS to happen. Miss you so much!!!

      And also, a return to Nashville would probably result in the most epic KEYCHANGES post ever.

  4. Okay… I was just scrolling through the comments on the Bloggess’ latest post and saw “Tragedy strikes during my fantasy football draft.” I was surprised, to say the least, and clicked the link.

    I’m SO glad that I did! You’re an awesome writer. I write a humor blog, as well as a fantasy sports blog. I’ve also been trying for years to convince my brother to give fantasy football a try and for years his reply has been, “uhm, no. We don’t do fantasy football… well, we do, but it’s a sexual fantasy.” Now I have a blog to point him to, so THANK YOU!!

    Also… I lost connection during one of my fantasy drafts… in a league with 11 other fantasy sports bloggers. The first thing autopick did was draft a kicker and a backup tight end. A POX ON YOU, AUTOPICK!

    • Thanks so much for the comment! Haha, awesome to hear about your brother — if I can inspire even one gay man in the world to entertain the concept of fantasy sports, I’ll consider that a success.

      Definitely going to make my way over to your blogs soon — I’m very intrigued!

      Also – so glad you can relate re: auto-pick. It is the WORST!!!

  5. omg Nic I love you. I literally have this awful cough I can’t stop and when I laugh its worse and I’m dying over here this is amazeballs. And I’m sorry about the draft if it makes you feel better it was my first time doing and I was like a virgin at a sacrifice!

  6. Hey Nic- I linked you in my latest post. (Even though I mostly think blog awards are dumb and am guessing you do too). Check it out if you like.

    • LOVE this(/you)!!! I’m so torn on blog awards – on the one hand, I adore them, but on the other hand, I’m secretly waiting until I amass like five hundred so that I can post one ginormous(/glamorous) acceptance post like I saw June Ambrose do a few weeks ago, lol.

  7. I’m not sure I have ever in my life met a gay man that played fantasy football.

  8. I have been stricken by downed internet too but I won’t be a total douchey whore paste the link here 😉 Who’s on your fantasy team??

    • I will SO be searching for the story of downed Internet! Misery loves company. (Also, I’d love to direct you to my “Someone Called Me Fat” post, as your blog name and it totally have much in common.)

      I got a decent lineup with MJD, Larry Fitz, and Dez B… took a gamble on the return of Peyton Manning — hoping he does me good!!!

      • I am having no football fantasies but I am cheering for the Redskins b/c I like their new QB and they won today and for no good reason at all I think Drew Brees is a baby. I love Payton and my sister lives in Denver so duh, no brainer there. I have loved Miami since 1972 when my dad went to Miami and got me a sweatshirt, those were the glory days. My mom’s family has always loved the Giants so I do and I love Eli because he has defeated Tom “I’m a diva and not as good looking as everyone says” Brady. No you didn’t ask but I thought you would want to know.

Trackbacks

  1. […] Key Changes – Self-deprecating doesn’t begin to cover it. Nic is so funny and who doesn’t love a gay, Mad Men Fantasy Football enthusiast? […]

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