My Recent Emotional Meltdown

Now that I’m staying in Connecticut for two weeks, I’ve been spending a lot of time staring at my mom’s dog with intense jealousy (and a splash of resentment) over the fact that he can live without having to worry about human problems.

It’s just not fair.

                                       Hi — I’m adorable and totally spoiled!

As you read this post, please feel free to judge me as if I’m one of those first-world white girls with no concept of the fact that things like poverty and hunger actually exist.

Speaking of hunger/malnourishment — there is a moment in my all-time favorite television series, Ally McBeal, when Billy asks Ally, “What makes your problems so much bigger than everyone else’s?”

She responds, “They’re mine.”

In case you couldn’t already tell that I’m self-absorbed from the abundance of “I” statements in any given blog post of mine, I totally relate to Ally on this one.

The problem I’m having now is that my current apartment search is making me hate everything about New York (except for the bagels).  Basically, I want my old place back.  But I can’t have it back, and it’s not fair, and I hate life because it’s a bitch, and I just keep eating brownies to deal with the stress, and the whole world sucks for doing this to me!

Do you love my grammar?

Here’s why I can’t return to the awesome luxury apartment that I used to call home:

  • The rent hike
  • The rent hike
  • Did I mention the thousand-dollar rent hike?

It’s just silly.  And to think that other people can afford it!  Whoever is now living at _____ and  ________ in Apartment 703: I despise you.

I have been feverishly looking for deals similar to the one I had last year, but it’s proving to be impossible.  The fact that I’m basically restricting my search to the same block shouldn’t matter.

A friend recently called me out on being a Manhattan snob, which I will gladly own.  The thought of switching neighborhoods freaks me out enough — let alone moving to another borough.  I have no interest in increasing my chances of getting mugged, raped, beaten, and/or poached.

Not sure where “poached” came from… but I’m now craving eggs Benedict.

In any case, this whole apartment-hunting situation has turned into something of a dark cloud over my daily routine.  I’m having easily-triggered mental breakdowns on a frequent basis.

For example, yesterday I sneezed three times in a row.  This made me want to cry as I concluded that not only was I homeless, but I was catching a cold as well.  Then I realized it was just allergies.

I recalled that I had a stash of Zyrtec somewhere in my bathroom, but I couldn’t find it.  Again, I almost started bawling.  I was able to keep it together once I remembered that the Zyrtec was probably under the sink.

Then.

As I rummaged through my plethora of toiletries, I stumbled upon an emotional landmine.  Somewhere between a tube of Queen Helene Mint Julep Mask and a half-gallon jug of cocoa butter lotion (clearly I’m a strong black, possibly pregnant woman) — I found a small box.  When I looked inside, I barely recognized its contents.  Then a series of bittersweet memories washed over me in a tsunami of emotion.

You might be thinking that I found some old photographs or an ex-boyfriend’s personal effects, but no.

It was a box of condoms.  Half full.  (Or half empty, if you’d like to come join me over here on Team Negative.)

Game over!  I immediately burst into tears.

An innocent box of prophylactics probably shouldn’t have the power to single-handedly unravel me, but this one crossed the line.  It served as a cruel reminder that I haven’t had sex in months —

  • which in turn was a reminder that I’ve gained twenty pounds,
  • which in turn was a reminder that I’m unlovable,
  • which in turn was a reminder that I will die alone with nothing to show for my life other than an extensive TV-on-DVD collection and a double chin.

Did I mention the condoms were expired?  “Hi Injury, I’m Insult — Mind if I join you?”  I disposed of them and will not be purchasing replacements until I have a new boyfriend.  And a coupon.

Anyways.  After getting a decent night’s sleep and allowing the dust from the Condom Debacle of 2011 to settle, I’m feeling better.  I watched Titanic, which never fails to put my life back into perspective.  I have realized that my problems are miniscule and life’s not the bitch — I am!  As per usual.

I have also realized that my mom’s dog doesn’t have it all that great himself.  He can’t even pee until it’s convenient for someone else to escort him outside.  Can you imagine?  That super-uncomfortable pee-holding feeling is a normal part of his every waking moment.

                                   I only nap so I don’t have to think about peeing

Also, he’s precious — so I guess I no longer resent him.

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Comments

  1. Laughing with you not…

  2. the part about you possibly being pregnant made me laugh. out loud even. i thought that deserved more than an lol.

    having been pregnant, i can tell you that the first sure sign is that you can smell a hamburger with extra onions from three states away.

    • Oh, my hamburger detection skills are already pretty fine-tuned. I can only imagine the effect an actual pregnancy would have on me!

  3. Nick! You are pure awesome and my gay guy crush, I swear lol.

    Lucky you who even have had the chance to live in Manhattan! I’ve always wanted that (besides from living in LA!). Writing a book/script/song/younameit in an apartment in Manhattan must be totally amazing!

    Good luck with the hunting! I’m sure you’ll succeed sooner or later. If the rent is too high, I’m offering my unique presence as your roomie (I bet WhatIsFortyTwo will join too, if permitted!)

    1000 / 3 = CHEAP AS HELL! And the new version of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.?

    PS: I LOVE Ally McBeal too. They don’t make good shows like they did during the 90’s anymore. 😦

    • Haha, thanks so much, darlin’! And P.S. would you believe that $1000 was merely how much they INCREASED the rent by?! I was going to include the actual full cost, didn’t want to induce any heart attacks, lol.

  4. I love you. As Susan and I watched True Blood last night we talked about how much we missed you! We kept gazing longingly at your chair…but not for long bc we didn’t want to miss LC naked.

    • Omg — love you too and SO missing you and Susan! P.s. I haven’t seen the new TB yet, but now my hopes are SUPER high that there is some much-needed werewolf sex to be seen.

  5. There are so many epic points in this point that I don’t even know where to begin. And, I totally would have been watching Titanic the other night if a silly boy was not distracting me with inappropriate text messages. Anywho, I hope CT is fabulous, because let’s be honest, New England wins, and I hope the apartment search is almost over 🙂

    • Haha, you’re awesome and um — all I heard was “boy” and “inappropriate” and I’m already jealous of your life! LOL. I must agree — New England all the way!

  6. “Hi Injury, I’m Insult — Mind if I join you?“ AWESOME!

    Like all things in my life this made me think of Sex in the City when the red head (I’m bad with names SHUT UP I can still be a fan and not remember names… Samantha.. HA! ok what was I saying… OH YA) SAMANTHA had to move out of Manhattan to buy a house and it was a HUGE deal.

    You poor poor thing 😦

    • Haha I’m loving this comment! I absolutely LOVED the Miranda-moves-to-Brooklyn saga, and every time I consider moving there I just think of when she asked her cab driver – “do you go to Brooklyn,” and he says no, and she says, “neither do I.”

      P.s. Samantha is the slutty blonde, aka my favorite. The fact that you forget their names is further proof that you actually have a life, unlike the author of this blog post.

  7. I’m laughing, but rest assured it is totally that kind of giggle that sounds like it could spiral into a whimper at any moment. The Sniffle Giggle if you will. I’ve been in the “funk” before and it doesn’t take much to have a meltdown. On a very sunny, sunny bright note, you managed to turn your bad spell into a ridiculously wonderful post 🙂

  8. Oh my sweet jesus, HILARIOUS. You’re not the only one who falls down a shame spiral of never-ending misery and doom every once in a while. Although I’m quite certain I’ve never been able to put it into words so well…..and I love that Titanic put you in a better mood. ! hahahhaha…. just heard that Kate Winslet’s vacation got ruined when the island home she was staying in burned down… so remember it can always be worse! haha… I need to learn how to take my own advice! Use some of that cocoa butter lotion and you’ll feel better. 🙂

    • Haha — LOVE you for putting hilarious in all caps!!! And you’re so right about the cocoa butter lotion — cures EVERYTHING! haha.

  9. Dian Wijayanti says:

    Oh, the joy of moving out! I remember feeling exactly the same when I have to move out of my comfy boarding house in college to go somewhere further beyond my imagination for my first full-time job, and man, it was dreadful. For one whole month, I keep feeling homesick, longing to be back to my old boarding house. Great post! 😀

  10. this is hysterical. $1000 hike?! I need a new pair of shorts.

  11. House- hunting was a nightmare- but it paid off because I got a gorgeous apartment which I enjoyed for 2 years. Good luck. I am sure you will find a great place too. And yeah, I am willing to move in with you and magicpoetry. 😛

  12. If it makes you feel better, I came home to find the dog chewing on a stuffed animal… the one that my ex-boyfriend gave me for our one year anniversary.
    There weren’t tears involved, but I did legitimately say to my dog, ‘I’m not mad buddy, I just can’t look at you right now…”
    Low point of… well, probably my life.

  13. I’ve been checking, can you update us on your life, please? I need a good belly laugh. Thank you.

    • Lol, I love you for this comment. I’m totally getting back into blog mode tonight during Irene!!! A few days feels like a lifetime, I missed it here!

  14. I love your sense of humor. You had me laughing out loud. Thanks!

  15. Ahhh! Not the box of condoms! They can be such a cruel reminder, which is why I pepper mine in random places throughout the apartment. While it is true that I find them more often and am more consistently reminded that I do not have a sex life, I find that being reminded more frequently and in smaller increments numbs the pain and helps avoid the shed of tears. Like a lot of little pricks rather than a fatal stab wound.

    But in any case, you’re hilarious and I’d love for you to check out my blog if you get a sec! I just started… but I promise to write more.

    The same can’t be said for you… you haven’t posted in weeks! You’re too funny to let this happen, so I demand you write again. How dare you get us all hooked and then take the needle away! 🙂

    • Haha I am LOVING this comment. Albeit 10 days later. Thanks so much for the love!!! I will definitely make my way over to your blog ASAP — I’ve been such a horrible, M.I.A. blogger as of lately. It’s not my fault, it’s NYU’s.

Trackbacks

  1. […] was just a wee-bit lugubrious. Probably because I’m alone and miserable and on the verge of a breakdown. Plus I finally finishing reading Borrowed Time last week, so really I was in no position to blog […]

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  3. […] Then I left Nashville but couldn’t find a new apartment in the city, so I lived with my mom for a month and had a severe emotional meltdown after finding a box of condoms under the bathroom sink. […]

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