My Personally Most Wanted Superpowers

This weekend, I developed a very unhealthy obsession with the bygone NBC drama Heroes. The DVDs of the show were recently on sale at Target, so I naturally bought three seasons based on the presumption that there would be some hot men in skintight superhero costumes. As it turns out, they wear normal-people clothes — but by the time I realized this fact, it was too late.

Remember when I expressed worry over becoming a sequestered and obese blogger-hermit? Well, it’s happening. Except instead of blogging, my addiction has become watching Heroes on DVD.

My inner dialogue:

  • How did miss this when it was originally on the air?
  • Why am I so attracted to Hayden Panettiere when (1) I’m gay, and (2) she was 17 at the time of filming?
  • I find the character of Hiro Nakamura to be really annoying; am I racist?
  • I wish this were an HBO series. There’s so much violence, I need some sex and vulgarity in order to feel balanced.
  • If I could pick one superpower, what would it be?

If you’re looking for something really unproductive yet fun to do for the next few hours — think about that last bullet point. Better yet, pick your top three superpowers. It’s been keeping me up at night.

I finally settled on the following:

1. Flying. This is obvious. Who doesn’t wish they could fly? Sometimes, I’ll go all Nelly Furtado in my kitchen and just burst out into the chorus of her 2000 hit, “I’m Like a Bird.” It’s fun until someone walks in.

2. Mind-reading. I don’t need this superpower as much as my next boyfriend does, but it would be neat.

3. Cellular regeneration aka not being able to die. An example: during my second weekend in Nashville, my awesome roommate and some friends took me on a trip to Bucksnort, TN (Google it) for some drinking, kayaking, and general “being in the presence of nature”-ness.

As we kayaked along the creek, we’d occasionally pass by local residents (fishing, bathing, etc.) and I’d get all nervous. I assumed everyone was armed and ready to take us out — me for being gay, of course, and the others perhaps for trespassing. I suspect most New Englanders would have had the same fear.

We pulled over at an obscure little area with a 30-foot cliff where everyone got excited to climb up and jump off. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s all my dad’s fault. He once told me about his friend who jumped off a cliff into surprisingly shallow waters, hit a big rock, and almost bled to death. Come to think of it, he has told me random horror stories about pretty much everything, and I now know the intention was to prevent me from living a life filled with any kind of adventure whatsoever.

When a friend pressured me to jump, the following exchange occurred:

  • Me (staring up at the top): “I can’t do it! I have to pee! I don’t want to get an ear infection! I’ve heard scary stories!”
  • Her (at the top): “Wuss.”
  • Me (facing the other way, now peeing): “Oh my god… Whose woods am I peeing in? Is someone gonna come out and shoot me?!”
  • Her: “For the last time, Nic, this isn’t Deliverance.” (Jumps.)

If only I had the superpower of cellular regeneration. I’d have been unafraid of gun-toting southerners, I’d have jumped off the cliff, and I’d probably have played a prank on my new friends — something involving an ugly death and then coming back to life in a creepy fashion.

  • Note: my only stipulation regarding this superpower is that I would want to stop being invincible once I’m in my 90’s so I could call it a day and die of natural causes in my sleep.

Honorable mention goes to invisibility, as that is the superpower voted most likely to result in me seeing Bradley Cooper naked.

As I proofread this post, I realize how sad it is that this is how I spent my weekend.

On a closing note — for anyone who was left curious after reading my last post — Friday morning went sparklingly well!  My co-writer was incredible, and we really vibed.  We spent four hours together and ended up with a great song that coincidentally happens to be about flying.

 

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Comments

  1. Well, yay for playing well with others 🙂

    I’ve been asked the superhero question before, and I honestly don’t know! I guess flying would be cool, or being able to run really fast or something. I’m really too lame to have a superpower, I think 🙂

    • Your ability to stick to a personal healthy eating plan/the 30-day Yoga challenge is basically a superpower in my eyes!

  2. Your posts never fail to amuse me, Nick! You are so awesome! May I call you my friend? Haha!

    My superpower wish has always been invisibility and mind reading as well as transport you body from here to somewhere on the other side of the world in less than a second. Wouldn’t that be awesome? And flying of course. Ah, the world of wishful thinking!

    And yay @ team work, huh? Haha! Congrats! What types of songs are you writing? Country? Pop? Rock? Either way, looking forward to buying a CD full of songs with your name engraved in the not too distant future 😉

    You should team up with Adam Lambert! Perfect boyfriend too!

    • You’re such a sweetheart! Awesome choices — that whole transportation thing would be pretty rad.

      To answer your questions:

      Yes! (about being friends)
      I’m basically acoustic pop, but Friday’s tune was a little more country/folk, as my co-writer is an artist herself and may be cutting it on her next project.
      Collaborating with Adam would be AWESOME!

      • I have a feeling I would really love your songs. I like anything really, but what you mentioned has a soft spot in my heart. Plus, I am a little country girl. :p

        An artist herself, huh? Awesome! Anyone we know? 😉 *digs, digs in private business*

  3. “Sequestered and obese blogger-hermit”–I’m cracking up over here!

    • Haha — yes!!! I’m so glad you appreciated that. Thanks for reading, and congrats on being freshly pressed!

  4. 1)teleportation
    2)speed reading
    3)super metabolism (for food only – not alcohol)

  5. Glad your collaboration worked out. Look forward to hearing some of your stuff real soon.

    Super powers:

    a) Teleportation
    b) Invisibility
    c) Being able to transport my sub-conscious into someone else’s body and view the world from their eyes- kind of like Being John Malkovich.
    d) Time travel

    While mind-reading is tempting, I am scared of what I will find out. I find it a dangerous ability.

    Though the younger Pitrelli brother (Peter I think) had a cool ability of being able to absorb other abilities. That would be quite useful if it can be controlled. I only got through the first season of Heroes but I completely understand your addiction.

    • Oooh, I didn’t even think of c) ! That would be sooo awesome!!! Yeah Peter absorbs all powers — I thought about putting that one but then figured it would be too confusing for people without any background knowledge of the show!

      Sidenote: I think Milo Ventimiglia (who plays Peter Petrelli) is such a dreamboat.

  6. I’m straight and a Southerner and I’m still afraid of gun-toting crazies around here.

    My superpower would be persuasive telepathy. I’d like that

    • Haha, yes! I knew my fears weren’t unfounded. And great choice of superpower! That one gets my vote for “superpower I’d most want if I ever found myself inside the locker room of any professional sports team.”

  7. thunderjunk says:

    I would be eternally young, able to strip the flesh off a persons face with a single glance, and, no matter what, be able to always have a glorious head of perfect blond Loreal beautiful hair in case I needed to punctuate flesh stripping glances with a hair toss.
    These are all so terribly cliche, I know.

  8. Great now I’m going to “waste” the rest of the day figuring out my super power… Flying… No Gold touch… No (that one always end badly)… Copy Cat (is that name right?) I can look like anyone I want… BWAA HAA HAA oh oh looks like I’m gonna use my new power for bad not good.Oh I know I’ll turn into Bradley Cooper and strip for you, BAM! Good deed 😀

    • Hahahaha! I would be forever in your debt. P.S. I seriously got real-life excited about this for a second before I remembered that it was all imaginary. Lol.

  9. Hmm, probably super fast professionally applied make-up. Everytime.

  10. Ok, so you totally did mention me, so I take back my indignant text message.

    And I don’t think I remembered to tell you this at the time…
    So this may not *actually* be Deliverance, but turns out my Dad was disappointed that my cousin wasn’t around when you were at the creek. I asked why and he said, “Well…she’s gay too. I thought maybe they knew each other?”

    Yeah, cause all gay people know each other. Even ones that live in different states. That makes perfect sense. He tries, God bless him, but he still comes up with some pretty backwards shit.

  11. I can actually hear you freaking out about jumping, exactly as you narrated it. You truly have a wonderful facility with words, my friend. And your blog is providing me with so much entertainment right now. ❤

Trackbacks

  1. […] last summer when I arrived five years late to the Heroes party and watched the entire series on DVD in the course of about a […]

  2. […] I started watching Heroes on DVD and blogged about how Hayden Panettiere almost makes me feel like a straight man. (Freakin’ crazy because that’s now happening again on Nashville… Full circle, […]

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