Yay! You Just Found This Blog by Googling Something Really Fucked Up

This isn’t an actual post. I just found myself sitting around the other day thinking, “Huh. If some weirdo once accidentally found my blog by searching for ‘how I became a mermaid sex toy,’ I wonder what other incredibly bizarre shit is being Googled that I’m not coming up in results for.”

And then I realized that I’ve likely been missing out on a lot of action.

And so here’s a short list I’ve compiled to ensure that I appear in as many freakish query results as possible. (Because people need to be guided here somehow, and so really I’m just helping the Universe do its job.)

  • Pounding headache after peeing on a cookbook
  • Key chains that say “PROSTATE!” on them
  • Is my vaginal discharge actually just weirdly-digested garlic mayo?
  • Who invented butter
  • Who invented buttermilk pancakes
  • Who invented the term “Butterface”
  • Am I a butterface?
  • Ducks in speedos
  • Condoms that make sex painful
  • Penises shaped like avocados
  • Avocados shaped like penises
  • Avocados shaped like avocados but that taste like penises
  • Cholula on babies

CholulaOnBaby

  • What if Jesus was actually just a really calculated drug peddler with a vivid imagination, great leadership skills, and a dream?
  • Gay people are all going to hell
  • Cheese but not the kind you eat
  • Martha Stewart told me she liked my boobs in prison but was she just being nice so I wouldn’t try to strangle her?
  • Giraffes that go too far
  • EVOLUTION IS A LIE
  • Miley Cyrus has three nipples or actually four if you count the weird thing on the side of her left butt cheek
  • Computers
  • How I became a mermaid sex toy (Just in case.)

Okay, so two things: One) Coming up with weird shit to Google is actually really, really hard, so I have to give it up to the people for whom it just comes naturally (like the mermaid sex toy guy); and Two) I’m pretty sure I just won at Search Engine Optimization.

 

Comments

  1. I’m convinced that SEO is the voodoo of our times. (If you search for that, by the way, you get results like “SEO is NOT voodoo.” But SEO people would say that, wouldn’t they?)

  2. Okay, um.

    Yeah, okay.

    So, here’s the problem. I’ve already found the blog. I follow the blog. And I knew better than to read the list but I did anyway.

    What kind of freak does that make me?

    • Hahaha, you know, I considered that this list could freak out some existing readers. So you’re not the freak, I am! OR we’re both freaks. (But in the best possible way, maybe?)

      It’s funny, I was just saying to a coworker that my blog is getting really nonsensical lately, like, even for me. I think I need either a break or a super deep thought piece to balance out all of this weirdness.

  3. Oh man, I started reading those search terms thinking they were real. Oh well, still funny- can’t wait to see who this brings in.

    • Haha my thoughts exactly! If any of these exact terms come up, I’ll be speechless and also highly impressed at my ability to know how weirdos think. (Unless I just am one, which… Actually? Not gonna go down that road!)

  4. Not even going to lie, most of your search terms made me physically ill.

    Never again shall I praise the wonders of garlic mayo. Thank you for that. Truly. #Inspiration.

  5. “Is my vaginal discharge actually just weirdly-digested garlic mayo?”
    Yeah, more than likely.
    If you want more hits, put the word NovaSure in a post title. Don’t go looking it up, you’re already having problems with garlic mayo discharge so you probably need the NovaSure procedure. My point here is to just trust me on this; that the term is SEO magic. Or voodoo, as I’ve since found out in your comments section.
    Actually, if you do search NovaSure, you should find me somewhere on the first two pages because I get hits on those two posts every single day.
    And that is how you make people find your blog.
    You are welcome.

    • OMG, thank you for that pearl of wisdom! I once dated an OBGYN and he never told me about the world of NovaSure. Now I’m wondering what else he kept from me.

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