“Clown-Related Crimes Soar in Parts of England” is a Real-Life Headline, but Here are Three Better Ones

Yesterday there was an actual article on New York Daily News with a headline of “Clown-Related Crimes Soar in Parts of England” and I was naturally like “WTF?” and then clicked it and learned that this is a legit problem. (But only in parts of England, because apparently clowns suck at mobilizing.)

The idea of It-like clowns wreaking havoc on small children overseas is mostly frightening but also a little hilarious (kind of like the idea of me having access to a Twitter account), but either way it’s not something I want to focus too much of my energy on.

So with that in mind, here are three headlines that are NOT real, but are similar. And a lot better.

1. Leprechaun-Related Beatings Skyrocket in Certain Rural Turkish Neighborhoods, Sources Believe Jennifer Aniston is Involved

Because let’s be honest, she was in that leprechaun movie many years ago where one of them almost killed her and so you know it’s feasible that girlfriend might hold a grudge. I mean, did you notice how she didn’t even tweet yesterday? BECAUSE IT WAS ST. PATRICK’S DAY AND SHE WAS TOO BUSY ORCHESTRATING A LEPRECHAUN-ABUSE SCHEME IN ONLY CERTAIN RURAL NEIGHBORHOODS IN TURKEY.

(Side note: I just checked Twitter and realized that my claim is ridiculous because Jennifer Aniston doesn’t even have a Twitter in the first place… or is her lack of a Twitter altogether because of leprechauns? Those fuckers do tweet like crazy, I hear. #PotOGold #TheRumorsArentTrueMyDickIsHuge #WhatElseWouldALeprechaunTweet?)

2. Weird Batch of Dunkin Donuts Munchkins in Central Connecticut Grows Wings, Violently Attacks Nuns and Strippers and Children with Gluten Allergies

I imagine these nefarious munchkins would also have really sharp, vicious-looking teeth. Kind of like Angry Birds, I guess, except munchkins?

(Side note: I just Googled Angry Birds and realized that, in spite of my mental image of them, they don’t even have teeth. Wow. I suck at offhand pop culture references today.)

Munchkins

Because these three types of humans are basically one and the same. (Side note: Did I just steal the concept for the children’s movie Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs? I’ve never seen it, but I just realized that this looks a lot like certain advertisements I’ve seen.)

3. Croatian Mermaid Sparks Syphilis Outbreak in Adriatic Sea

Because we all know from last week that mermaids are sea-sluts.

 

Comments

  1. NO BUT SERIOUSLY those clowns are creepy as fuck! Luckily there weren’t any in my town, but in a lot of places the clowns would literally just stand on the street with balloons and stare at people’s houses or something. Trust that kind of thing to happen here in England. Creepy Clowns and NekNomination: two of the worst recent trends in the country.

  2. I have always been suspicious of the mermaids..

  3. OMG, Nic! You have to stop! You just…have to…
    Ok. In addition to what you’ve already pointed out (Aniston’s non-existing Twitter account and toothless Angry Birds), Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs is originally a book and one that should have been read aloud in your second-grade classroom. I am appalled at your childhood education but what’s done is…well, it was never done, actually. But, no, you did not steal the premise to either the first or second movie, though the killer Munchkins (which I will admit cracked me up and now I’m giggling like a weirdo making the cats look at me like they wish I’d go to the vet and have myself put down) would actually fit nicely into the second movie. Oh, and tiny child with Celiac disease also alarmed the cats. Well, made me laugh loudly and that is what alarmed the cats.
    And why are you apologizing for your stripper’s missing leg??? I mean, it could be behind a wall, like there’s more building back over on that end but we can’t see it from here because there’s a wall in the way. Or maybe she’s had part of her leg removed and so some fetishists go to this particular club just to see her but in case that is not the case we should leave her some extra dollars because pole-dancing with one and a half legs is pretty impressive, you have to admit. Take ownership of your art, dude! It is awesome and perfect and DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR IT!
    Lastly, I thought you weren’t going to slut-shame the mermaids? What happened there? Hmm?

    It’s late. I’m old and tired. I’m going to bed. But, really, email your second-grade teacher and let her/him know that s/he failed you miserably.

    • WAIT what? My mind is blown RE: Cloudy with a Chance. I knew SOMETHING was missing from my upbringing. You’re so right, btw, I’m OWNING all my imperfections from now on! This comment reply is suddenly feeling so inspirational and CAPS-y. Sending my second-grade teacher an e-mail now in this SAME exact voice!

      (Side note: It’s super early, so I think what just happened to me is the reverse of what happened to you last night. It’s like we’re cosmically connected, except in reverse.)

      • We are the Sleepless Gurus and we guide each other through life but only when doped up on unawakedness, which is totally a word because I just typed it and you just read it.

        Still. I like knowing we’re cosmically connected in reverse. We’re the yin and yang of…well, I’m not sure what, really. Brilliance beyond the ken of mortals? We can be the yin and yang of that. Or something equally impressive.

  4. I live in Turkey and Jennifer Aniston has a really bad reputation around here. Mostly because of shenanigans like the one you mentioned above.

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