If you’ve followed enough blogs in your day, you’re likely familiar with the common “here’s a list of random Google search terms that have led readers to my site” post.
Depending on my mood (and level of intoxication, maybe), I tend to either hate or love these pieces. But I usually get a kick out of them either way, because OMG — we live in a world where Internet users search for some sick, twisted shit.
Most Google search terms that lead folks to The N!colas Blog are either nipple-related (because this), getting-called-fat-related (because this), or OkCupid-related (because this, this, and this, probably). But aside from all of those, here are five of the most bizarre searches to have ever brought folks here — followed, of course, by my personal reactions. Please take a deep breath (and ideally, a shot of something) before reading, because shit’s about to get weird.
how i became a mermaid sex toy
First of all, what? Isn’t everything below the waist of a mermaid just closed off and fish-like? Do fish have vaginas? Did Ariel masturbate? If so, how many times per day? And was Flounder involved? What about Sebastian? And I’m sorry, but if you have a fish and a lobster helping you out, can you really still call it masturbating at that point? Let’s be honest, if mermaids have vaginas, then Ariel was a sea-slut. It would certainly help explain Ursula’s jealousy, as it didn’t seem like she ever got laid — not even by those weird goblin-fish things that were floating around during “Poor Unfortunate Souls.” She probably gave Ariel legs purely so there’d be less competition under the sea. Or, actually, wait — am I misinterpreting the term “mermaid sex toy” altogether? Did you mean a sex toy for a mermaid, or a sex toy made to resemble a mermaid? The second one? Wow. Now I just feel stupid for jumping to conclusions and slut-shaming a Disney princess.
why do i get emotional meltdowns when drunk
Is it that you’re getting them? Or that you’re having them? Because if it’s the former, then IDK dude. If it’s the latter, then, well, it’s because you’re drunk.
someone has a firm grip on my balls
You’re going to need to be more specific. Do you know this person? Is he or she a stranger? Are we talking over-the-pants, or like, hand-to-scrotum? (LOL scrotum.) Do you feel violated? Show me on the doll.
what does the funeral home do with the blood
You nosy, self-absorbed bastard. Someone just DIED, and here comes you trying to find out what became of their blood! Have some decorum. Wait. Are you a vampire? Are you Bill from True Blood? Can we date?
i accidentally fucked a dude…and im a guy
Are you being honest with yourself? Because I just… like… how was it an accident? Or, actually, you know what? Never mind. I forgot about that one time I accidentally ate an entire cheesecake and accidentally watched five hours’ worth of gay porn while accidentally pressing “pause” every twenty minutes to accidentally check Lady GaGa’s Twitter feed. Also, that one time I accidentally created a blog with the kind of content that somehow managed to come up as a Google search result for “i accidentally fucked a dude.” I’ll just assume this was a similar situation.