Three Things I’ve Decided About the Search for Love

I recently came across a half-serious/half-bitchy article on Esquire‘s blog that addressed the myriad ways in which my soul sister, Carrie Bradshaw of Sex and the City, has allegedly corrupted the belief systems of modern women. Within, the author kind of says — no big deal — that my entire life’s work is bullshit. Also, the reason I’m single.

Specifically:

7. Portraying Yourself as Someone Who Can’t Find Love Will [Not] Find You Love. Publicly crafting yourself as a person who can’t find love will not encourage anyone to love you. You should resist every urge to make your dating horrors into a cottage industry. Do not blog about them, do not indicate them in your status updates, and don’t you dare read your personal essays at even one open mic night.

This makes scary sense, doesn’t it? Like, when I first read it, I was all, “Shit, my Internet writing! My blog! I have destroyed ALL chances of ever finding a husband. Should I purchase an impregnated cat now? Or?”

But then I breathed deeply, closed my eyes, and thought to myself, You know what? No.

Because for me – someone who has been healed and inspired by the writings of many a confessional memoirist – writing is all about transparency. And with that, honesty. And so yeah, I’ve written quite a bit about being unable to find a decent man over the past three years (interestingly, just about the amount of time that has elapsed since my last serious relationship… Coincidence? No? Holy shit, it’s not! That article is totally on point and I’m steadfastly getting closer and closer to dying-alone-with-nothing-to-show-for-my-life-but-a-Netflix-account-and-a-freezer-full-of-ice-cream status with every word I type, huh? Wait. NO. I am going to stand in my truth on this one! I’m also going to finish my thought, as I’m pretty sure this parenthetical tangent happens to be in the middle of what should have been a cohesive sentence but has now just become a long schizophrenic ramble about nothing) but at least I’ve never tried to pretend I’m perfect.

With the above in mind, here is my list of three things I have learned about the search for love this year:

1. You don’t have to be perfect to be loved (or to love yourself).

I used to bitch a lot about the concept of self-love being a cliché crock of shit perpetuated by assholes who were already married and therefore never had to put their money where their smug, supposedly self-loving mouths were. But then I devoted this year to my inner journey and realized that maybe I was a little full of shit, too. I read up on spiritual principles, developed a relentless zeal for Oprah’s brilliant series-for-seekers Super Soul Sunday, and adopted a meditation practice. And I realized that I, like everyone else, had some healing to do. So I started reflecting, forgiving, visualizing, and meditating even more. I was doing pretty well. But then I developed a mindset that was all, “Okay, so after enough hours of meditation I’m just going to be perfect and completely healed and self-loving and awesome one hundred percent of the time, and then I’ll be able to allow love into my life. Right?”

IMG_20131202_201754

Sorry, Nic of a few months ago, but no. The path to self-actualization never ends. The only thing that really matters is that we’re making progress and loving ourselves through the process. I’m choosing to believe that my romantic match will agree with me on this. He won’t be perfect himself, and he won’t expect me to be perfect in return. And if he does? He’s not for me. (And furthermore, he’s probably a total douche canoe.)

2. Trying to control outcomes is exhausting and – oh! – pointless.

At the end of the day, Life (capital L, y’all) is gonna do what it do. So I’m going to say that Oprah has it right when she says that love, as with everything else, is all about a) setting an intention (i.e. “I want to meet a quality man who is basically a thirty-year-old version of Nick Jonas except gay and willing to get married and shower me with affection on the regular”); b) taking intuition-led action on that intention (i.e. “I totally just meditated on a love-affirmative mantra, updated my OkCupid profile, and went to a gay bar!”); and then c) surrendering the intention to the universe (i.e. “Okay God, so this isn’t my problem anymore. I’m trusting you to hook me up with my future husband, mmmkay? Thanks!”).

Needless to say, that last step is the hardest part, and yes, I’m still working on it. (Clearly. Or else I wouldn’t be blogging right now, as I’d kind of be busy giving my gay thirty-year-old Nick Jonas husband an epic blowjob.)

2a. Was that last parenthetical TMI?

Probably. But again, writing is all about honesty, right? On that note…

3. Portraying yourself as anything other than someone who can’t find love – when you, in fact, are looking for love and haven’t found it yet – is pretty fucking dishonest.

So, okay. I’m a firm believer that every word we put out there is an energy-carrying affirmation that is likely to manifest itself in our lives in one way or another, so on that level, I’m all about not being whiny and woe-is-me towards love. But I’m also a firm believer that I would be a total asshole if I tried to downplay my struggle over the past few years and cover it up with affirmations like, “Quality men flock to me and love is easy and I’m just, like, flawless! Yay!” (I’d also have absolutely no material, but that’s neither here nor there.)

At the same time, though, I’m not trying to repeat history. And so here is the affirmation I plan to take with me into 2014: “I am grateful for the many valuable lessons I’ve learned from my past romantic misfortunes, and I now know that I am deserving of a healthy partnership with a like-minded man. I trust Life to know when to bring us together. (And until then, I will fucking rock the single life.)”

3a. So now that my inspirational/uplifting moment is over, can we just talk about my gay thirty-year-old Nick Jonas husband character for a second?

I mean, honestly. How perfect would that be? We would be Nic and Nick!

NIC. AND. NICK.

 

Comments

  1. Very nicely done, sir. It’s always important to gain a little perspective…and what better way to gain perspective than to compare yourself to one Ms. Carrie Bradshaw.

    ALSO, I know this was for humor purposes, but I’m thinking that, in #2, when you say “setting an intention (i.e. ‘I want to meet a quality man who is basically a thirty-year-old version of Nick Jonas except gay and willing to get married and shower me with affection on the regular’),” you are, in effect, limiting yourself. You have to be open ANY man. ALL the men.

    Even though Nick Jonas is DELICIOUS and that would be the #dream.com/ultimate

    ANYWHO: Another GOLD LOL + #Serious piece, my friend.

    Much love.

    • Aw, why THANK YOU my brother. And wait – are you saying I shouldn’t be hyper-specific with the non-negotiable qualities I want in a potential suitor??? I CAN’T ACCEPT THAT!

      JK I totally can. Maybe. Probably after another year or so of meditation and self-improvement.

  2. I’m a big believer in Ask for what you want, Believe you will get it, and open yourself to Receive it. I think you are doing that and opening yourself up and becoming more self aware, which is (almost) always a good thing!
    Just FYI, in regards to 2a, yes that second parenthetical was TMI! But it was also insanely funny once I picked my jaw up off the floor!

    • Thank you so much my love! Definitely love the ask+believe+open to receive formula. It’s so true! And LOL. I’m glad my hump day TMI was noticed and appreciated!

  3. Love this! Nothing is ever TMI as far as I”m concerned and here’s hoping 2014 brings you nothing but sweet, sweet love time with a gay, 30-year-old Nick Jonas.

  4. Dearest Nic – As I mentioned to our mutual writing pal Steven this morning that “I need more guys.
    Can you find me more guys? I’m so bored.” And gave him the latest update on two to three of the so-called “fellas of interest” in my life, all he did was reply with a link to your latest post. From today. Because we are the same person. Can’t wait to finally meet you (soon I hope?) so we can discuss all our common woes and take the single life by storm.
    <3 Dinah

    • I’m so glad Steven encouraged you to pay me a visit – thank you!!! And YES, let’s make that hang-out sesh a priority!

      Side note: “I need more guys. Can you find me more guys? I’m so bored.” Yup. We are the same person.

  5. I fully support everything that happens here. Also, Nick Jonas’ ass was mistakenly left out of your post. Let me fix that.

    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1-bKGpI9Gao/Tp97MHP8CSI/AAAAAAAAA-8/AuFd6mkloQI/s1600/nick+jonas+baseball.jpg

    You’re welcome, buddy!

  6. I got in trouble last night for questioning Jonas Brother attractiveness so I won’t do it again here. You are on the right track and I think have been true to yourself in all your writing if not dating.

    Epic blowjobs are only TMI, if we get a blow by blow description. Yep, that’s what I wrote. Blow. By. Blow.

    • Questioning JoBro attractiveness is an obscene crime.

      UNLESS your problem is with Kevin. He doesn’t do it for me for some reason.

      Also, LMAO @ Blow by blow!!!! This is why we’re kindred.

  7. Even though I don’t know you at all, I totally want to be invited to the Nic and Nick Wedding Show. Because I think it would probably be the most awesome wedding ever and it would be so fun for all the guests, me included, to yell, “NIC/K!” all day long!

    And you know what? I don’t I agree with that Esquire piece at all. In fact, I am often suspicious of anything Esquire thinks, especially after seeing the author’s photos. Pretty much, you’re right, they’re wrong, end of issue.

    • Your spot on the Nic&Nick Wedding Extravaganza guest list is reserved!!! And thank you! I’ve heard from a lot of women in my life that most of that article is bullshit, which, frankly, warms my heart.

  8. Yes! Just be honest with where you’ve been and what you want now. It was a learning moment for me not long ago to realize that by pretending I didn’t want/wasn’t looking for love, I was going to attract men that weren’t, either. (“I’m cool with casual! You are too? Okay!” is not a good idea if that is not in fact the case). So I gave up trying to be aloof all the time and admitted what it is I want. The idea is I’ll meet someone who’s in the same place and we’ll both know because we both aren’t playing games. And I won’t waste my time with people who are just playing around.

    • P.S. THAT PHOTO :D

      • I too used to have that SAME exact habit! It was like the ones who wanted casual were the ones I wanted serious, and the ones who wanted serious were the ones I ONLY wanted as casual, and it was a all a vicious cycle, and the world was just one big cruel joke. So I feel like we totally feel each other’s pain! Lol. I am VERY glad that we are both in much better places now.

        Here’s to our 2014! :-)

        And P.S. I KNOW, right?

  9. I just clicked on the “Like” button a dozen times. Sorry if you get a dozen e-mails. Or half a dozen. Or none. Does clicking on it a second time retract your like? If so, I didn’t mean to do that. I am listening to the Rent soundtrack while I’m writing, and I obviously can’t multi-task.

    • Hahaha. Love that you were having a RENT moment as you wrote yesterday! I went through such an obsessive phase with the movie adaptation when I was in high school. #NotSorry

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