How to Not Have Nipples Show

I don’t mean to get too personal, but lately my nipples have been like, really unruly.

I normally have nothing but love for my nips, but it seems that nowadays they’re always inexplicably visible for no good reason. It’s exhausting. Even when it’s totally not cold and my shirt is totally not thin and I’m totally not pregnant, they just keep appearing through all varieties of fabric as if to say, “HEY GURL! WANNA GET SOME DRAAANKS?”

I can’t get them to calm down. The whole thing reminds me of the old adage that goes, “After a nuclear holocaust there will only be cockroaches and Cher left.” Or something? Did I make up the Cher part? I feel like I remember her saying that on Behind the Music one time. Or maybe I’m getting Cher confused with underground bomb shelters? In any case, what I’m trying to say here is that the real version of the saying should be, “After a nuclear holocaust there will only be cockroaches and Cher and bomb shelters and Nic’s relentless nipples left.”

The other day, I was having a particularly nippular morning.

(Yes, I’m making up words now. And you’re welcome because don’t even try to pretend that you’re not going to start describing everything ever as “nippular” – especially female puppies in heat and Anne Hathaway in general.)

Fed up with my unfortunate circumstance, I took to Google and searched for “how to not have nipples show,” which yielded very few relevant results because apparently I don’t know how to formulate proper sentences. It’s totally fine now though, because the next person to perform a poorly-worded search on this subject will at least be directed to the title of this post and then realize that their life isn’t so bad because (a) they’re not alone in their nippular struggles, and (b) they’ll get to add their name to that famous apocalypse quote, and cockroaches notwithstanding, who doesn’t want to be in the same category as Cher and my nipples?

The information I did manage to find via Google was so, just… not what I was looking for.

I ended up on a site maintained by a woman who calls herself “Linda the Bra Lady,” which actually sounds like the name of someone I could totally be best friends with, but not someone who would have any solutions to male nipple problems – unless of course her advice would be for me to wear a bra, in which case I’d have to tear my shirt off to show her that I absolutely do not have moobs while simultaneously Christina Aguilera-ing her with a melodramatic screaming of, “I AM BEAUTIFUL NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!”

(Can we just talk about using Christina Aguilera as a verb for a second? I’m obsessed and now plan on Christina Aguilera-ing at least two people in real life today.)

After I recovered from Linda calling me fat in my head, I ended up on Yahoo! Answers, which was a terrible mistake because THIS:

Screen shot 2013-05-24 at 3.25.39 PMA few things:

  1. Yahoo, what exactly do you mean by “resolved”? Did you give Princess nipples? If so, then can you give me new ones?
  2. Something — and by “something” I mean the spelling and punctuation in this query — makes me wonder if Princess actually had nipples all along but just wasn’t looking in the right place.
  3. I thought the question itself was absurd, but then I read the responses. Click that link at your own risk, y’all.

I surveyed some coworkers about my dilemma, and at some point the whole scene took a highly inappropriate turn when I started obnoxiously massaging my chest in thought and then shot out of my chair and proclaimed, “I’ve got it! SIGN HERE STICKERS.”

You know, those stickers you’d put on a letter and/or legal agreement (and/or nipple) to ensure they get properly endorsed? Well, I took two of them out and put them down my shirt and I wish I were kidding but they actually worked wonders and even solicited a puzzled-yet-really-really-impressed look from one of my work-wives.

She stood quietly in awe for a moment, seemingly trying to figure out what planet I’m from, but then finally just said, “You know what? That’s actually kind of brilliant.”

IMG_20130524_114628_348

Sign here… ON MY OVERACTIVE NIPPLE.

You. Are. All. Welcome.

Comments

  1. So much laughter, so many whirlwind ideas, but it all comes down to this: Speed kills, son.

  2. yourothermotherhere says:
  3. You are the best and wisest. You are like the McGyver of nipple coverage.

  4. The amount of hilarity is INSANE.

    And the amount of insanity is hilarious.

    I may have legitmately LOLed more than once. May have even spit out some coffee. I might even have coffee stains on my shirt now.

    But it was worth it, you nipptastic human, you.

  5. I’m reluctant to tell you this, because I love your solution so much better, but you should probably know that, although I agree you are completely brilliant, some other people have beat you to this besides the Hanes link above: https://hollywoodfashionsecrets.com/product-category/nipple-concealers/

    Personally, I just use duct tape. The One Direction design gets more attention than I would like, but there is a camo roll I’ve been meaning to try. And the good news is that, after ripping it off three or four more times, I won’t have any nipples left to conceal. Which, I’m guess, is what happened to princess.

  6. John in Toronto says:

    Wear your nippular nipples with pride Nic! Don’t be ashamed to let them show. (Almost) Everybody’s got ‘em. (except Princess) (but she’s an exception). Nipples are the shirt’s road map to how a guys chest looks when the shirt comes off. (I’m a fan.)

  7. Thanks for including a link to my post :) I deal with nipples all day long. Moobs or not, you can wear nipple covers if you’re nervous about showing too much – or just love what you have. xoxo Linda the Bra Lady

    • I’m so glad you stopped by — thank YOU!! :-) I love the “loving what you have” approach. Though I may just have to buy some nipple covers in the meantime, haha.

  8. So glad to be back and able to comment again! Had to hurry and get up a new blog now that I’m going overseas in some weeks.

    Missed your blog!

  9. Heya are using WordPress for your blog platform?
    I’m new to the blog world but I’m trying to get started and set
    up my own. Do you require any coding expertise to make your own blog?
    Any help would be really appreciated!

  10. LINDA COMMENTED ON THIS POST. God, that’s amazing. I’m obsessed with midwestern mystical creature Ann of Ann’s Bra Shop (http://www.brashop.com/). She has billboards all over I-70 in Missouri, and I want Ann to be the Sophia to my Dorothy.

    I also appreciate that I went to read the comments to the Yahoo Answers, and many of them are just charging her with making up her nipple-less boobies. The world may never know.

  11. Re: previous comment about bra billboard:

    The only thing I’d change is to shorten the slogan to “Got a brablem?”

  12. Thanks for the laughs today. I too have perky and enthusiastic nipples. I mean, calm down already! Temperature is irrelevant; they are always at attention.
    But I am small and refuse to wear thick bras. I can barely stand a bralette made of cotton. So I have some of those sticker concealers and often just wear black and hope for the breast, I mean best of course. Wish I lived in the 70’s.

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