Facebook Promotes Obesity, and I Don’t Appreciate It

I woke up this morning and realized that there exists a very unfortunate correlation between my eating habits and the marital statuses of my Facebook friends.

It kind of goes like this:

  • Engaged friends: sugary cereal with whole milk.
  • Married friends: burrito bowl from Chipotle.
  • Friends who just got engaged this week: entire box of Oreos.
  • Friends who just got married this week: multiple pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, various flavors.
  • Friends who just got married this week and have already posted photos from the wedding: all of the above.
  • Ex-boyfriends who are now in relationships: all of the above plus a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese, loaf of cinnamon swirl bread, entire tube of unbaked cookie dough, and the salt of my tears.

Thanks for the double chin, Zuckerberg.

Side note: I am still seeing [Awesome Guy Who Still Needs a Proper Fake Blog-Name] and he’s still awesome. But – contrary to what I’d secretly hoped – this post seems to suggest that his presence in my life hasn’t obviated my extreme need for therapy, so I guess I’ll have to get on that soon.

         Totally unrelated: My mom’s dog in his new winter coat. You’re Welcome.

 

Happy Friday!

 

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Comments

  1. After reading this post, I only have one question: why aren’t we Facebook friends? I am single and never post about food or obesity!

    (But reading this made me somewhat hungry…)

  2. Ooops! Submitted the comment too soon.

    Was going to say: What a cute dog! Fits right into the Christmassy spirit!

    • Haha 1. We must be FB friends, since I too am single and never post about food or obesity! (Except I always post about food and obesity) 2. Isn’t he precious?! I want one.

  3. I’m still of the opinion that everyone needs therapy! (And I love the use of “obviated.”)

    Also, Kraft mac is NIRVANA.

  4. Um… eating your feelings is totally a thing. How do you think I made it through my teen years?

    These days, I’ve embraced the bitterness and just tend to skip past engagement/wedding/baby posts, but not before thinking to myself “eh, I’m better looking than that guy, how is HE the one getting married?”

    Then I feel like a jerk for thinking such terrible things and I eat some more.

  5. You make me laugh…a lot. I want you to go on one of those post-a-day things so I can read your funniness every day! Nic, what about my needs???

    • I LOVE that this blog and “need” have officially been included in the same sentence. And thank you for calling me funny!!! (Side note: you’re also a hoot.)

  6. This is why I don’t do Facebook. But your hilarious posts are totally why I love to read your blog!

  7. Can you at least take solace in the fact that nobody looks good in a strapless wedding dress?

Trackbacks

  1. [...] And then the drunk, head-touching woman FINALLY touched my head, and I was dismayed to learn (yet again) that a slight expression of validation didn’t solve all of my [...]

  2. [...] giving up all men – yet another reason for my blogging absence. Writing about desperation, food addiction, and general inadequacy? That’s so [...]

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